Assassination jokes

A hitman walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "I'm here to assassinate John Tucker." The bartender replies, "He’s in the restroom." The hitman goes inside the restroom and comes out after 1 hour.

The bartender asks him, "Did you kill him?" The hitman replies with a sad face, “I asked him any last wishes and the guy asked me to allow him to finish his shit as he is half way in passing his stools, so I gave him my word that I would wait and so I waited for an hour, and when I asked him what’s taking him so long, he says he will not be able to finish because he is just getting started.”

Why was JFK stupid? He only had half a brain.

How do you make any salad a Caesar salad?

Stab it 23 times!

I decided to take my mother-in-law out the other day. I love being a hitman.

What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin.

Caesar went to the future only to see how the Romans forgot Julius Caesar but only made a salad... I think it would have been better if Caesar stayed dead.

No one.

Absolutely no one.

The History Channel at 11:00 PM: Who really killed JFK?

What is the difference between the assassination of César and the assassination of Jesus?

They were both killed by Romans.

I was voting for Trump in the 2016 election. It's been a while since the last presidential assassination...

What do JFK’s killer and a prostitute have in common?

“They both blow heads.”

What category of music did JFK like?

You could say he was a metalhead.

You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"

You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."

What was the last thing to go through JFK's mind?

A bullet.

Hey JFK, what would you do if you were in a fight?

JFK: Well, I'd give them a piece of my mind.