Assassination jokes

A hitman walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "I'm here to assassinate John Tucker." The bartender replies, "He’s in the restroom." The hitman goes inside the restroom and comes out after 1 hour.

The bartender asks him, "Did you kill him?" The hitman replies with a sad face, “I asked him any last wishes and the guy asked me to allow him to finish his shit as he is half way in passing his stools, so I gave him my word that I would wait and so I waited for an hour, and when I asked him what’s taking him so long, he says he will not be able to finish because he is just getting started.”

When Caesar’s wife told him she dreamed he should beware the Ides of March, he scoffed and said, “What? It’s not like I’m gonna be stabbed 23 times by my best buddies!”

Caesar went to the future only to see how the Romans forgot Julius Caesar but only made a salad... I think it would have been better if Caesar stayed dead.

JFK and Abraham Lincoln were terrible presidents. It's like their heads were empty.

You know what would be the best last thing to say before you die? "No, you certainly can't." JFK's assassin certainly can!

What is the difference between the assassination of César and the assassination of Jesus?

They were both killed by Romans.

What do I think about the Kennedy assassination?

First of all, he should have had a roof on that car.

Please don't kill [me].

Why were people sad when John F. Kennedy got shot? All he got was head.

JFK's wife trying to grab his head be like "him in heaven." Why did I marrei her? Welp, time for a devorsin'.