Attempt jokes
I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."
It must not be a good suicide story if you can tell it.
You call it suicide. I call it a failed parkour attempt.
Things I would have missed if my attempt in 2018 worked...
My attempts in 2019, 2020, and 2021!
A depressed kid takes a drink of water and someone takes it and takes a drink. "Oh come on, the train stopped, the rope broke, I couldn't get on the building, the gun was empty, the knife was dull, the bridge was too low, and the cliff was nonexistent, and now you took the poison!"
There's nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.
What's worse than a failed attempt at suicide?
The pity looks people give you and people keep you away from 'dangerous' things.
I went out for a drive and attempted to drift on the road. It didn't end well for me, or for the speed bumps I hit.
Wait, there aren't any road bumps.
O h s h i t.
A panda goes to see a hooker. He goes down on her, he mates with her, he ejaculates and then he attempts to walk away.
The working girl asks, "Aren't you going to pay me?"
She opens the dictionary to "Prostitute: One who sells sexual companionship for money."
The panda picks up the dictionary and turns to the definition "Panda: A marsupial who eats, roots, shoots, and leaves."
Me and a person downtown.
Person: Hey, crazy Saturday night.
Me: I guess so.
Person: Why do people do crazy stuff like this?
Me: I don't know. I used to, but don't anymore.
Person: Why'd you stop?
Me: Unfortunately, I lived every time I'd try something.
Your mama is such a hoe! It took her 4 attempts to pass her driving test. She couldn't get used to the front seat.
When you're asked to tell a crazy story, but the first thing that comes up to your mind is a suicide attempt:
"Oh, I don't remember anything in particular. 😅😀"
No.
I went to catch the fog this morning, I mist.
Hey Abygail ;) can we talk? I just wanna say that you prob are sexy :)
Kyler, go on this one.
Yo mama so fat that when she attempted suicide, she bounced to Area 51.
Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:
"What advice do you have for people out there?"
As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.
Yo mama so small that she tried to hike Mountain Dew.
I was excited to finally watch the new documentary on Netflix. It was about Pessi’s UberEats career.
In the trailer, Pessi delivered food to French farmers. I watched the documentary and got shocked when I found out how finished Pessi is. He delivered one Pizza in 44 attempts.