Attempt jokes

I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."

There's nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.

Things I would have missed if my attempt in 2018 worked...

My attempts in 2019, 2020, and 2021!

It must not be a good suicide story if you can tell it.

Me and a person downtown.

Person: Hey, crazy Saturday night.

Me: I guess so.

Person: Why do people do crazy stuff like this?

Me: I don't know. I used to, but don't anymore.

Person: Why'd you stop?

Me: Unfortunately, I lived every time I'd try something.

You call it suicide. I call it a failed parkour attempt.

What's worse than a failed attempt at suicide?

The pity looks people give you and people keep you away from 'dangerous' things.

A depressed kid takes a drink of water and someone takes it and takes a drink. "Oh come on, the train stopped, the rope broke, I couldn't get on the building, the gun was empty, the knife was dull, the bridge was too low, and the cliff was nonexistent, and now you took the poison!"

I am a failure to everyone and decided to attempt a suicide, guess what? I failed.

Tried to kill myself today using a bungee cord, I kept ALMOST dying.

Guy: "My life is like a game, I should end it."

Guy 2: "Is it a hard life?"

Guy: "Yup"

Guy 2: "Then you can't kill yourself LOL"

Guy 3: "Hold on, I know a cheat code to finish the 'game'"

Once again, RIP Daniel Kyre, he actually died this day five years ago.

He attempted suicide Sep 16, and was in life support, till his parents made the tough decision of taking him off.

We will miss ya bud..... (cyndagoooooooo)

It's all fun and games until someone fails at becoming Superman.

Jason: Did you hear about the storm-trooper who attempted suicide?

Dave: No.

Jason: Well, he hit his first target.

If it's true what they say and I quote, "God never gives you more than you can handle," then you should pray to those who didn't, that God gave them a body strong enough to survive the attempt.

I tried to catch the fog, but I mist.

I met a kid with Down syndrome the other day. He told me he was into rock music. He told me his favorite song was "Down With The Syndrome." Kinda drooled while attempting to sing it.

I tried to catch fog, I mist...

If at first it doesn't succeed, try, try again.

I got arrested on suspicion of attempted rape all because I was carrying some cable ties, a bit of tape and a piece of cloth. It's such a joke, I hadn't even bought the chloroform yet.

Never attempt to foreshadow your own death, you may end up regretting it. You can chop me up and throw me in the fridge if I’m wrong.