Assassination jokes
John Lennon: "What a nice view."
John walked outside.
He got shot.
:skull:
Have you seen the inside of Ford's Theatre? It will blow your mind. ~Abraham Lincoln
"John FK, he think he special car no top, everyone see like he on parade. Me, I stay hidden, secret style, no bullets find me. Much smar smarter, no? Scret lifestyle safety."
What do JFK’s killer and a prostitute have in common?
“They both blow heads.”
A hired gun gets on a private plane to his next contract. Halfway through the trip, he notices the plane rapidly losing altitude. So he opens that back of the plane and starts tossing out everything he doesn't need: grenades, guns, ammo—unless it was bolted down, it went out. He stopped throwing things out when the plane started to regain altitude.
When the plane lands, he sees some kids giggling on the side of the road. "What's so funny?" he asks.
"Daddy farted and the house blew up," said a singed little boy.
What do you call a Chinese assassin?
Chinese takeout.
I was rooting for Donald Trump to be president.
We haven't had a presidential assassination in a while.
Why were Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy very wise presidents?
They both had an open mind.
I, for one, wish Donald Trump was President again. It's been a while since we had a presidential assassination.
I went to kill Biden with poison water and mixed it with my finger, and then licked it. I passed out, and now I'm here.
What's Christian and holey?
JFK.
The death of JFK must have splattered on the news.
What is black and white and red all over? JFK
Fun Fact: Did you know JFK's brain was so big it covered a whole entire limousine?
Q: What does Abraham Lincoln have in common with a poor quality pirated movie?
A: They were both shot in a theater.
Who ended Franz Ferdinand's COD account?
He ended with a Black Handed bang.
A man comes to an assassin who charges $1000 per shot. He tells the assassin, "My wife's been cheating on me. I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot the guy in the dick." When they arrive, they wait. The man asks why he hasn't taken the shot. The assassin says, "I know how I can save you $1000."
I will pay someone to kill me.
Nothing bad ever happens to the Kennedys! Except that one headshot, but we don’t talk about that.
Do you think John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head because his wife said he was close-minded?