Assassination jokes

A hired gun gets on a private plane to his next contract. Halfway through the trip, he notices the plane rapidly losing altitude. So he opens that back of the plane and starts tossing out everything he doesn't need: grenades, guns, ammo—unless it was bolted down, it went out. He stopped throwing things out when the plane started to regain altitude.

When the plane lands, he sees some kids giggling on the side of the road. "What's so funny?" he asks.

"Daddy farted and the house blew up," said a singed little boy.

I was voting for Trump in the 2016 election. It's been a while since the last presidential assassination...

Imagine if Joe Biden was elected for a second term.

He would be the first president to be assassinated by a slick bathtub.

Why can’t you tell JFK facts about Dallas?

Last time he was there, he got his mind blown.

How do you know if you're making a Caesar salad? Stabbing it 23 times.

Why was going through JFK's head when he was getting assassinated? A bullet.

The last thing that went through Abe Lincoln's head was a bullet.

Nothing bad ever happens to the Kennedys! Except that one headshot, but we don’t talk about that.

What do you call a bullet head?

JFK.

How do you make any salad a Caesar salad?

Stab it 23 times!

A skeleton decided to become an assassin.

He was always skull-king around!

Nobody:

JFK: :) Hi guys!

JFK's killer: Ayo look at this shit, I just hit a clip.

John Wilkes Booth, to his fiancee: "I have an important role to play tonight at Ford's Theater."

Fiancee: "Break a leg!"

Who ended Franz Ferdinand's COD account?

He ended with a Black Handed bang.

"This is the dude who assassinated JFK."

"If you got a question, just shoot!"

CIA: Where's your head at?

JFK: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

The death of JFK must have splattered on the news.

A man comes to an assassin who charges $1000 per shot. He tells the assassin, "My wife's been cheating on me. I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot the guy in the dick." When they arrive, they wait. The man asks why he hasn't taken the shot. The assassin says, "I know how I can save you $1000."

No one:

Literally no one:

Abraham Lincoln: *dies*

John Wilkes Booth: *ranks up*

A hitman walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "I'm here to assassinate John Tucker." The bartender replies, "He’s in the restroom." The hitman goes inside the restroom and comes out after 1 hour.

The bartender asks him, "Did you kill him?" The hitman replies with a sad face, “I asked him any last wishes and the guy asked me to allow him to finish his shit as he is half way in passing his stools, so I gave him my word that I would wait and so I waited for an hour, and when I asked him what’s taking him so long, he says he will not be able to finish because he is just getting started.”