Asked jokes

I work at a bank and an old woman asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

Living in Houston, Texas, and realizing that hurricanes are an annual threat, my ex-wife called me and asked what would be the safest route to get out of Houston to avoid a hurricane. My answer? Take the 610 loop, dear!

A wife asks her husband: Am I pretty or ugly?

The husband answers her: Pretty.

The wife responds: Thank yo-

The husband interrupts her: Pretty ugly!

One day an old woman came into the bank and asked me to check her balance... So, I pushed her over.

When someone asks you for a beef (fight), just say you're a vegetarian.

I asked my girlfriend if she was a smoke alarm. She said, "Is it because I warned him when hotness came?" I said, "No, you don’t shut up!"

A boy walks into some woods with a phone, and his friend comes by and asks, "What are you doing?"

He pauses, then says, "Trying some bird calls!"

A blind man walks into a bar and starts to swing his guide dog around his head. The bartender asks him nervously, "Are you okay?" The blind man replies, "Yeah, I’m just looking around!"

Student asks teacher, "If I throw an apple and noodles, which one will fall first?"

Teacher replied, "I don't know."

Then student replied, "Noodles will fall first because noodles are fast foods!"

My priest asked if anyone had any questions or anything interesting they wanted to say.

So I raised my hand, he said why don’t you tell everyone what you have to say.

In front of the whole church I said I did not know Jesus Christ was the first scarecrow.

A Japanese man goes to the dentist. After being there for a while, the dentist asks, "How often do you floss your teeth?"

The Jap said, "After every meal." When they finish up, the dentist turns to him and says, "You need to floss your eyes more. I can still see them."

I asked Stephen if he was an organ donor, and he said why.

I said, "That's a shame. I need parts for my go-cart."

Why shouldn't you say "I hate you" to your parents?

Ask an orphan.

Ask an orphan this: "What's the difference between cancer and your dad? Cancer comes back!"

The cashier kicked me out because when he asked for 99 cents, I gave him 99 scents.

In a deep village in Germany, an old man asked his granddaughter, "What are you doing?"

His granddaughter replies, "Removing Polish with chemicals."

Grandpa said, "When I was young, I did the same."

A man saw a kid on the road, and the man asked: "Where are your parents?" The boy: "..." The man left the adoption center.

A customer came to me and asked for condoms for tiny dicks.

I took the trash to the recycling bin, and two days later, my mom asked me, "Where's your sister?" I said, "In the recycling line to be turned into a bottle."

I went to ask my friend's mom if I could have a sleepover.

Then I remembered they did not have a mom or dad.