Ares jokes
Two priests are in a bar. One says to the other priest, "I'll swap you two fives for a ten."
- I think you're EGGcellent.
+ Wow... You really CRACK ME UP with that joke. I think you're a EGGxtraordinary comedian.
- Really? Are you done yet?.
+ Are you kidding? I have a DOZEN of them.
My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”
Why are orphans so skinny?
They never eat anything that is family size.
"Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too."
Roses are red, violets are blue. Don't touch the beds, they are sticky with white goo.
What are the basic ingredients when a cannibal makes a sandwich?
2 slices of Brad.
A child and a child molester walk into a forest together. The child turns to the molester and says, "Boy, these woods are scary." The molester says to the child, "You think you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone."
Roses are red, I'm not a boaster.
Elon must've got rushed to the hospital after impregnating a toaster.
Why are women so bad at parking?
Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.
Why are Black people getting stronger?
Because the TVs are getting bigger.
Why are people in Japan so thin?
Because it didn't end well the last time a Fat Man was there.
You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.
What do LGBTQ folk and folk with scoliosis have in common?
None of them are straight.
I heard that cataracts are the third leading cause of blindness...
... the first two being politics and religion.
The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when I push my autistic brother down the stairs.
What flowers are on your face?
Why was it so hot in a square room? Because all the corners are 90 degrees.
Why do Pirates say "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"?
First time out at sea, they prepare for battle and say to their commander:
"The canons be ready, Captain!"
"Are," says the Captain (correcting their grammar).
"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!" they all exclaimed!