Ares jokes

Roses are blood red, violets are twilight-hued; your blood was delectable, and so was the rest of you.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Why are orphans so skinny?

They never eat anything that is family size.

My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”

Two priests are in a bar. One says to the other priest, "I'll swap you two fives for a ten."

- I think you're EGGcellent.

+ Wow... You really CRACK ME UP with that joke. I think you're a EGGxtraordinary comedian.

- Really? Are you done yet?.

+ Are you kidding? I have a DOZEN of them.

Two terrorists walk into a bar.

The bartender asks what they are talking about. Terrorist 1 says, "We are going to kill 14k people and a donkey."

The Bartender asks, "Why a donkey?"

Then Terrorist 2 says, "See, I told you no one would care about the 14k people."

"Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too."

What's the difference between Pink Floyd and George Floyd?

When Pink Floyd can't breathe, it's because all their fans are smoking pot.

Roses are red, I'm not a boaster.

Elon must've got rushed to the hospital after impregnating a toaster.

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

There are too many suicidal people in this world. I’m going to make sure there is at least one less.

A child and a child molester walk into a forest together. The child turns to the molester and says, "Boy, these woods are scary." The molester says to the child, "You think you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone."

The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."

Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?

Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.

Why are people in Japan so thin?

Because it didn't end well the last time a Fat Man was there.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when I push my autistic brother down the stairs.

My sis told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry...

So I threw a coconut at her.

I was diagnosed with a terminal disease. The doctor says my days are numbered.

Now I'm terrified of airports.

There are a lot of things that explode... like cars, boats, the Twin Towers.