Ares jokes

Why are girls and rocks so alike?

If they're flat, they get skipped.

Little Johnny was staying at his grandparents' house, and he asked his grandpa, "Can I have a cigarette?" His grandpa said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" He said, "No." "Then that's your answer." A little bit later, Little Johnny asked for a beer. His grandpa said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" He said, "I already said no." "Well, that's your answer." Later, he was complaining to his grandma, and she gave him cookies. His grandpa came up to him and said, "Can I have a cookie?" Little Johnny said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" His grandpa said, "Well, yes, it can." And Little Johnny said, "Well, go fuck yourself, old man, because these are my cookies."

A project manager, a mechanical engineer, and a computer scientist are on a road trip through the mountains. As they're going down a pass, the brakes suddenly fail. The car goes off the road and crashes down into the valley. A bit dazed, the three of them get out.

The project manager says, "Well, the best thing to do is to have a meeting and assess the situation."

The mechanical engineer replies, "Nonsense, I have my pocketknife, I'll fix the brakes with that."

Then the computer scientist comes along and says, "Why make it so complicated? Let's push the car back up the road, get in, and see if it happens again."

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his gaze is blank. The other hunter grabs his phone and calls emergency services: "My friend is dead! What do I do?"

The emergency dispatcher replies: "Calm down. I can help you. First, make sure he's really dead."

Silence on the other end, then a gunshot. Back on the phone, the hunter asks: "Okay, now what?"

A blond-haired girl, a brown-haired girl, and a ginger-haired girl were out walking when they came across some tracks.

The brown-haired girl looked at them and said, "I think they are elephant tracks."

Then the ginger-haired girl looked at the tracks and said, "No way, they are definitely duck tracks."

Finally, the blond-haired girl bent down to examine the tracks when she got hit by the train.

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to.

Unless you are in prison.

By the law, you are not allowed to have a sick bird. That's ill-eagle.

I was crying at school and telling my friends that my grandpa died. Then I told them I still remember his last words. They wanted to hear them. They are: "you still holding the ladder?"

Why do kids like Michael Jackson so much?

Because he's made out of plastic, and that's what toys are made out of! 😂

Why are Captain from SpongeBob and Michael Jackson so similar?

They both say, "Are you ready, kids?"

Ice cream truck drivers are the most sus people on earth. They’re adults who play children’s music and give ice cream to kids who approach their van.

Your legs are just like Oreos! I wanna split the ends and eat what's in between.

Flippity floppity, women are property.

When you know that everyone thinks you're a hoe.

WHEN Y'ALL ARE MY HOES!

If two vegans are arguing, is it still considered beef?

Why are orphans so bad at dodgeball?

Because no one misses them.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. You smell like shit. And you look like it too.

When is a rapist safe around children?

When his plans are oven ready.

Are you George Floyd?

'Cause baby, you take my breath away... OOF!

All of the people disliking this category are probably emo.