Ares jokes

Little Johnny was staying at his grandparents' house, and he asked his grandpa, "Can I have a cigarette?" His grandpa said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" He said, "No." "Then that's your answer." A little bit later, Little Johnny asked for a beer. His grandpa said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" He said, "I already said no." "Well, that's your answer." Later, he was complaining to his grandma, and she gave him cookies. His grandpa came up to him and said, "Can I have a cookie?" Little Johnny said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" His grandpa said, "Well, yes, it can." And Little Johnny said, "Well, go fuck yourself, old man, because these are my cookies."

A project manager, a mechanical engineer, and a computer scientist are on a road trip through the mountains. As they're going down a pass, the brakes suddenly fail. The car goes off the road and crashes down into the valley. A bit dazed, the three of them get out.

The project manager says, "Well, the best thing to do is to have a meeting and assess the situation."

The mechanical engineer replies, "Nonsense, I have my pocketknife, I'll fix the brakes with that."

Then the computer scientist comes along and says, "Why make it so complicated? Let's push the car back up the road, get in, and see if it happens again."

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his gaze is blank. The other hunter grabs his phone and calls emergency services: "My friend is dead! What do I do?"

The emergency dispatcher replies: "Calm down. I can help you. First, make sure he's really dead."

Silence on the other end, then a gunshot. Back on the phone, the hunter asks: "Okay, now what?"

A blond-haired girl, a brown-haired girl, and a ginger-haired girl were out walking when they came across some tracks.

The brown-haired girl looked at them and said, "I think they are elephant tracks."

Then the ginger-haired girl looked at the tracks and said, "No way, they are definitely duck tracks."

Finally, the blond-haired girl bent down to examine the tracks when she got hit by the train.

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to.

Unless you are in prison.

Ice cream truck drivers are the most sus people on earth. They’re adults who play children’s music and give ice cream to kids who approach their van.

Why are Captain from SpongeBob and Michael Jackson so similar?

They both say, "Are you ready, kids?"

Why do kids like Michael Jackson so much?

Because he's made out of plastic, and that's what toys are made out of! 😂

By the law, you are not allowed to have a sick bird. That's ill-eagle.

Your legs are just like Oreos! I wanna split the ends and eat what's in between.

I was crying at school and telling my friends that my grandpa died. Then I told them I still remember his last words. They wanted to hear them. They are: "you still holding the ladder?"

A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."

Who are the fastest readers?

The pilots on 9/11. They went through six stories in 5 seconds.

When you know that everyone thinks you're a hoe.

WHEN Y'ALL ARE MY HOES!

Roses are red. Violets are blue. You smell like shit. And you look like it too.

My eggs are just like my dad... nonegg-istent.

Why can't dinosaurs clap?

'Cause they are dead.

Women are like dogs...

"Where are you going? Where are you going? Where are you going?"

"Can I come? Can I come? Can I come?"

"I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here..."

SHOES

A policeman just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous! My dogs don’t even own bikes!

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I've got genital warts, Soon you will, too!