ANS jokes
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a Mexican?
I don't know, but man can it pick lettuce.
A mother and her 7 year old child are walking in the grocery store. The young boy then screams to a random woman “you're an ugly bitch.”
The mother grabs her son and says, “I’m so sorry, I must have told him a thousand of times to not judge people on how they look."
An apple and an emo kid fall off a tree at the same time. Who hits the ground first?
The apple, because the emo kid got caught by the rope.
Anyone know how to get an A on the "An Inspector Calls" section of the GCSE paper?
What did the cow tell an Indian?
Moo!
Knock, knock. Who's there? An armless person. Why? They got stumped on why they contacted you.
What do you call an appetite including apples? Appletite.
What do you call a pie made by an octopus? Octopie.
What has 2 legs, 2 arms, and an abusive father?
Aaron.
Stephen Hawking isn't actually dead. He is just having an update.
One day, in the Serengeti, a zebra started wondering if he was a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes. So he goes around asking all the animals. He never gets his answer.
One fateful day, he dies and goes to Heaven. In Heaven, the zebra gets an idea. "I will go ask God!" So, he asks God, and God chuckles. "You are what you are!"
The zebra gets sad. He walks around and his dead zebra friend shows up. He asks, "What is wrong?" The zebra answers, "Well, I asked God if I was either a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes. He just replied 'You are what you are!'"
His friend says, "Oh! You are a white horse with black stripes! Why? Because he would have said 'You is what you is!'"
An American, a Cuban, a Russian, and a lawyer are sitting on a subway train, in the same seat. The Cuban pulls out a Cuban cigar for each person, and hands it out. The Cuban takes one puff of his cigar, and he throws it out the window. Everybody but the Cuban goes mad. "You just wasted an expensive Cuban cigar! How could you?" The Cuban simply says, "See, in Cuba, cigars are very cheap."
The other passengers are reassured and respond with, "Oh, OK."
The Russian takes out a small bottle of Russian vodka and pours a shot for all the passengers. The Russian downs his shot, and throws the vodka bottle out the window. The rest of the passengers are alarmed, once again. "You just destroyed an expensive bottle of Russian vodka! How could you?" The Russian simply states, "See, in Russia, vodka is very cheap." Yet again, the other passengers are reassured and respond with, "Ah, yes! Of course."
The American scratches his head and goes, "I think I see the pattern here." So he takes the lawyer, and he throws him out the window!
"You're the bomb"—a compliment in the USA.
An argument in the Middle East.
An American woman married a British man. On their honeymoon, the British husband said, "You look like a million pounds!" The wife divorced him.
If Stephen Hawking was an Xbox... he just red ringed and rose up to GameStop.
A woman wakes up in a hospital after an accident and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
And the doctor says, "I know, I amputated your arms."
Yo mama is so fat, when she took a walk, she made an earthquake!
When this guy fell off a cliff, he got an A+ for egg-cellence!
A man walking on his roof, carrying an axe. He drops it on someone below him and says, "Sorry, it was an axe-cident!"
One day Little Johnny’s class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?” Little Mary says, “The teacher is very intelligent.” The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?” Little Suzie says, “They are very fashionable.” The teacher says, “Johnny, why don’t you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence.” Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy, ‘Darling, how does my dick taste?’”