ANS jokes
The past, the present, and the future were having an argument. It was tense.
There were two peanuts walking down an alley. One was assaulted.
A man goes to a restaurant and asks for some chili.
The waiter said, "Sorry sir, this is an Asian restaurant."
So he stretches his eyes and says, "Oh herro, can I get some chiri?"
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
An irrel-elephant ;)
I took an Uber home the other day, and the bastard was swerving all over the road and driving on the shoulder... I said, "Who the f*ck taught you to drive?" To this, he replied, "Stevie Wonder."
I forgot my lucky egg! It always gives me an eggcellent amount of luck!
What's an edible part of a wheelchair?
A vegetable!
What do you call an animal underground? A fossil.
My teacher gave us an assignment, and one of the questions was "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
I answered, "Happy."
The teacher said I didn't understand the test. I said to her that she didn't understand life.
I saw Stephen Hawking using an ATM. It is nice to see he had found someone before he shut down.
Stephen Hawking was an unfaithful man. He had an affair with Alexa.
Why does Stephen Hawking have the voice of an angel?
Because no one has ever heard an angel talk.
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up... you're next!"
What do you call an elephant and a rhino mix?
Helliphino!
An apple a day, or you'll die anyway.
What do you call a cow that doesn't produce any milk? An udder failure.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.
Time for a story: There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off. How many are left? 499.
What are the 3 steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put in elephant, close fridge.
What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge? Open fridge, take out elephant, put in giraffe, close fridge.
The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend except one, who is it? Giraffe, he's stuck in the fridge.
Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across safely, how? The alligators where at the birthday party.
Sally dies anyway. How? She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday. I asked her why. She said, "Because you're a pedophile." I replied, "Pedophile! That's a big word for an eight year old."
What do you say to an upset Down syndrome person? "What's bringing you down?"