ANS jokes
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? -- A waist of time.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth-theist.
What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains one letter? -- An envelope.
I think my coworkers are gay. -- Every time I walk by, they mumble, "What an ass."
I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus, and all I could think to myself was, "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection..." But she did.
An Irish guy walks out of a bar....
I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site."
My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
An atom loses an electron... It says, "Man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually an overdose."
How do you get a nun pregnant? -- Dress her up as an alter boy.
Your mom laughs at your father, because he has an ugly wife.
What do you call an octopus that fights sharks?
An octobrave.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde, and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard, and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde, and she struck the pervert."
The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me, and she slapped him."
The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark, and she slapped me by mistake."
The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
Yo mama so fat she sat on an iPhone and turned it into an iPad.
An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."
A programmer pushes a stroller through the park. An elderly couple comes along: "Is it a boy or a girl?" The programmer replies, "Yes."
An chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore.
The chemist and the physicist come up with many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener..."