Animal jokes

If cops are called pigs, then security guards are piglets.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

Time to get a new fence!

What do you call a fish with no legs?

Fsh have no legs.

What do you do with legs?

Fsh have no legs.

What do you do with legs?

Break!

Why did the duck cross over the cave? Because he wasn't a chicken.

IDK, sorry...

What do you call two bears jerking each other off?

Bipolar.

Why is sex with pandas so much fun?

I don't know, it just is. 🐼

Press F to pay respects to Grumpy Cat!

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

Friend: I have the eye of the tiger.

Me: So what? I have the balls of a gorilla.

Parents: We can't come back to the zoo next week!

A whale went to the country Wales for vacation.

When it ended, what did he say? "I had a whale of a time!"

What did the beaver say when it hit the wall?

Dam!

If you're having a bad day, just remember the Blobfish exists.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Eggs don’t cum.

What time do dogs wake up? At school is the time dogs wake up.

What's a cow's favorite war?

World War Moo.

I am a sheep.

One time, me and the bois got drunk and we were on the freeway...

...when the road was closed because a wild animal species named “The Cult” was on the loose.

What do autistic retards and birds have in common?

They both flap their arms, lol.

A fish was swimming around in a pond when he noticed a fly flying around about six inches above the water. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, I could have myself a nice meal."

There was a bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, that fish will come up for that fly, and I can catch that fish and have myself a nice meal."

There was a hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will go for the fish, and I can shoot the bear and have myself a nice meal."

There was a mouse watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, drop his sandwich and I can have myself a nice meal."

There was a cat in a tree watching the mouse watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, drop his sandwich, the mouse will go for the sandwich, and I can catch that mouse and have myself a nice meal."

Then it all happened.

The fly dropped six inches.

The fish came up and caught the fly.

The bear came out and caught the fish.

The hunter got up to shoot the bear and dropped his sandwich.

The mouse went for the sandwich.

The cat jumped from the tree, missed, and landed in the pond.

The lesson that can be learned here is that every time a fly drops six inches, a pussy gets wet.

Student: There are 505 rocks in a car. If 8 fall out, how many are left?

Teacher: There will be 497 rocks left.

Student: Ok!!

Student: How do you put an alligator in a closet?

Teacher: You can't, it won't fit.

Student: No!! Just open the door, put the alligator in, then close the door.

Teacher: Ohhh, now I get it.