Animal jokes

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you."

A baby skunk's mother gets hit by a car, so the baby skunk doesn't know what he is.

So the baby skunk walks up to a baby bunny and asks, "What are you?" The baby bunny replies, "Well, I'm a baby bunny. What are you?" The baby skunk says, "Well, I don't know, am I a baby bunny too?"

The baby bunny says, "No, you're not a baby bunny." So the baby skunk asks, "Well, what am I then?"

The baby bunny replies, "Well, you're not exactly blank and you're not exactly white, so you must be Mexican."

Why are dolphins so smart?

Because within three hours they can train a human to stand at the edge of the pool and feed them fish!

What's the difference between Tyler and a rooster? A rooster says, "cock-a-doodle-doo," Tyler says, "any cock will do."

Why don't blind people skydive?

Because it scares their dogs too much!

What's the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish, it'll die.

At a date:

He: "I work with animals every day."

Me: "Oh, how sweet! What do you do?"

He: "I'm a butcher."

Did you hear about the cheetah who robbed a bank? He ran away so fast he almost got away with it, but he was spotted.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

It didn't, I hit it with my car 3 blocks down.

What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A Doberman in a playground.

So little Johnny was on the bus, and the bus driver already hated him. So he started to talk to himself JUST loud enough for the bus driver to hear.

"If my dad was a bull, and my mom was a cow, that would make me... a little bull!"

"If my dad was a rooster, and my mom was a hen, that would make me... a little rooster!"

And by this point, the bus driver was fed up with him, so he said:

"Ok little Johnny, I got one for you: If your dad was a drunk, and your mom was a whore, what would that make you?"

Little Johnny smiled and said: "A bus driver!"

A boy went to a costume party with a girl on his back. Someone asked him what he was supposed to be. He answered, "A turtle."

"Then why do you have a girl on your back?" the guy asked again.

The boy answered, "It's Michelle."

What did the beaver say to his son?

Dam, son.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why?

To get to the idiot's house.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

The chicken.

What do you call a cow who plays an instrument? -- A moosician.

What do depressed kids and sloths have in common? They both hang from trees.

I was reading a book about an immortal dog yesterday...

It was impossible to put down.

What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?

One says “Ribbit, Ribbit” and the other says “Rub it, Rub it”.

Q: Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?

A: To find Pooh!

Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs? -- Because the cow has the udder.