Animal jokes
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
In my house, good sex sounds like seals slapping each other.
Yo mama so stupid, when I told her she needed some cats, she came back with...
CRASH, ARENA, TURBO STARS!
What has two legs and is red all over?
Half a cat.
What do you call a mosquito in your language?
We don't call them, they just come and bite.
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
What do you call an octopus with a hat?
An octopus with a hat, of course.
How many dead kittens does it take to clog a pool filter? Seven when I tried!
What’s the difference between a teenage girl and a cat? One’s a psycho and the other is a cat.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I've ever seen.
A bicurious man goes to a gay bar.
A gay man offers him a drink.
The bi man explains he doesn't know if he's gay or not.
"That's fine," he says, "let's just have a drink."
The gay man asks him for a dance, and he explains again he isn't sure if he's gay or not.
Eventually, the gay man invites him to go home with him to hang out as friends.
They get to his house, and the gay man says, "Do you fancy having sex?"
He isn't sure, so the gay man explains, "I'll push in slow, and at any point you want to stop, make animal sounds, and if you like it, start singing."
So they get to it, and the gay man pushes in slowly, the bi man bursts out "MOOOOO MOOOOO MOOOOOOVVVEE CCLOSSEEERRRR"
My friend was annoying me with bird puns. I realized toucan play at this game.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It didn't, I hit it with my car 3 blocks down.
What did one bear reply to his bad pun?
"Bear with me!"
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Because chickens are mindless creatures and do not know any better.
What camel has 3 humps?
...A pregnant one.
There was a dog in the middle of the room, so I called it and started to play fetch. Then my mother shouted at me for playing with my food. I missed it, but it was tasty.
If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
We were at a restaurant today, and my dad was talking about a place called Sea Ranch.
I asked, "What do they raise there? Sea horses?"
Why did the octopus cry?
Because his mum said he looked like Johnny Depp.