When did I wake up?
At the quack of dawn!
Animal Jokes
One hot day a cow wanted some shade.
He found a tree and started resting under it, but there was a chicken bothering him. The cow exclaimed, "Moooove!" The chicken didn't move. Again, "Moooove!" and still the chicken wouldn't move. The cow yelled, "MOOOOOVE!" The chicken turned around and said, "FUCKOFF."
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Why did the penguin pull out a tooth? It was Mexican.
Once, I ate a skunk. It was hard because I didn't get it down the whole way.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
In my house, good sex sounds like seals slapping each other.
Yo mama so stupid, when I told her she needed some cats, she came back with...
CRASH, ARENA, TURBO STARS!
What has two legs and is red all over?
Half a cat.
What do you call a mosquito in your language?
We don't call them, they just come and bite.
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
What do you call an octopus with a hat?
An octopus with a hat, of course.
How many dead kittens does it take to clog a pool filter? Seven when I tried!
What’s the difference between a teenage girl and a cat? One’s a psycho and the other is a cat.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I've ever seen.
A bicurious man goes to a gay bar.
A gay man offers him a drink.
The bi man explains he doesn't know if he's gay or not.
"That's fine," he says, "let's just have a drink."
The gay man asks him for a dance, and he explains again he isn't sure if he's gay or not.
Eventually, the gay man invites him to go home with him to hang out as friends.
They get to his house, and the gay man says, "Do you fancy having sex?"
He isn't sure, so the gay man explains, "I'll push in slow, and at any point you want to stop, make animal sounds, and if you like it, start singing."
So they get to it, and the gay man pushes in slowly, the bi man bursts out "MOOOOO MOOOOO MOOOOOOVVVEE CCLOSSEEERRRR"
My friend was annoying me with bird puns. I realized toucan play at this game.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It didn't, I hit it with my car 3 blocks down.
What did one bear reply to his bad pun?
"Bear with me!"
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Because chickens are mindless creatures and do not know any better.
