Animal jokes
So, a blind guy is sitting on a park bench with his seeing eye dog right beside him. Suddenly, his seeing eye dog cocks his leg and pisses all over the blind guy's leg. So the blind guy gives the dog a treat.
A man taking a walk saw the entire thing and said to the blind man, "That is the most charitable thing I’ve ever seen, your dog deliberately pissed on you and here you are giving him a dog biscuit." The blind man says, "Oh it’s not what you think, I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick him in the ass."
Mary had a great big ram, his fleece was white as snow, when on hands and knees our Mary went, his wad was sure to blow.
Month by month her belly grew, increasing in its girth, and when five months had flown by, our Mary did give birth.
And Mary had a little lamb, a little lamb, a little lamb...
A teenage girl got a summer job dogsitting for a gigantic English Mastiff. She spent hours with the dog, and walked a little funny when she got home.
"What are you doing all day?"
"Knot a lot."
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
I fiddled your mum last night, she fucking moaned like a fucking wilder beast.
What is the difference between a horse and a rabbit?
A horse can't hoop.
What did the cat say when he fell off the table?
MEOM!
A cow was standing in a corn field. The chicken walked by and said annoyingly, "What do I see here? Corned beef!?"
What do you call a bird with no wings?
Moas didn't even know that existed!
What is the cheapest meat?
"Deer balls," they're under a buck!
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Answer: Because he was playing with a cheetah.
What do sloths and depressed people have in common?
They both hang from the tree.
What is the similarity between a sloth and a depressed kid?
They both hang from trees.
What happened to the dog that crossed the road?
What do you get when you throw holy water on a cow?
A holy cow!
A flock of swallows were migrating south as a jet flew past them.
"Why was that one flying so fast?" asked one. Another answers, "Can't you see his tail is burning?"
Q: Why did the cat get a ticket?
A: He was caught littering.
Q: Why did the cat get arrested?
A: He was caught littering.
Q: If there were two moo cows walking down the street, where would they be going?
A: Home to see their mama!