Analog jokes
Humor is like food, not everybody gets it.
A dark sense of humor is like a pair of functioning legs. Not everybody has one.
How is tightrope walking like getting a blowjob from someone ugly?
If you want to enjoy either, you absolutely can’t look down.
I like my dynamite like I like my woman: hot and ready to explode.
COVID is like fashion…
We started hearing about it in Italy…
Became popular in LA and NYC…
Florida ignored it…
And it was all made in China in the end.
FEMA during a natural disaster is kinda like me during sex. Slow to respond and not a lot of satisfying results.
They call me an elevator because I let people down.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered, "Y?"
Free will is like having a vagina. You don't need to know how to use it, and you don't need to know what it does, but what matters is that you have it.
I have no problem with prostitution.
It's like an Air BnB for your dick.
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."
For all the Harry Potter fans:
A VPN is occlumency for smart devices, and our ISP is a legilimens.
"Mixed vegetables is just special ed class, change my mind."
Why are women like KFC? After you finish with the thigh and the breasts, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
When fat people smash, it must feel like a huge submarine hitting you.
How is a woman like a road?
They both have manholes.
Girls are like volcanoes.
You never know when they will erupt.
Jesus and Satan are just basically Homer and Flanders. One tries to help the other, only for Satan to just say, "Shut up!"
What is the difference between the government and organized crime?
Only one of them is organized.
What's the difference between McDonald's and a priest?
nothing... they both stick their meat in ten-year-old buns.