Aliveness jokes

1, 2, 3, 4, 5. I'm old enough to drive, for now I'm still alive, till I crash in that beehive!

I got written up on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day." Apparently, it only applies to daughters who are alive.

Me: What's the difference between me and my grandpa?

Friends: What?

Me: I've been alive for the past 14 years.

What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?

I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.

I got arrested because I cremated a guy. They said the guy had been alive when I burned him. I mean, it's an early cremation—what's the difference?

My aunt’s star sign is Cancer, so it’s pretty ironic how she died. She was eaten alive by a giant freaking crab!

What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?

This would be much better if you were alive.

Despite Michael Jackson’s legal problems while he was alive, McDonald’s is still going to honor his life achievements in the music industry by naming a sandwich after him.

They’re going to call it the McMichael! It’s going to be a fifty year old piece of meat pressed between two eight year old buns.

What is the best thing about being buried alive or burning to death?

No funeral costs.

I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.

Kobe would still be alive if he would have gone to jail for raping that girl.

Why do we not have female magicians? Because last time we had them, we burned them alive.

You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"

You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."

Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."