Aliveness jokes
a man died with an erection. the three nurses in the morgue saw this the first nurse climbs on and rides him. the second nurse dose the same the third hesitates saying "i'm on my period." the others say its ok hes dead so she rides him to. when she's done he sits up and all the nurses ask how hes alive he replies i'm good to go after the two jumpstarts and blood transfusion
If Martin Luther King were white, what would they call him?
Alive.
What would MLK Junior be if he was white?.........Alive.
Q: If George Washington was alive today, what would he do?
A: Scratch mercilessly at the coffin walls, while screaming at the top of his lungs!
Two men walked into a bar, and one man asked for H20, and the other man asked for H20 too.
Only one man came out alive.
Sex dolls are alive in the Toy Story universe.
You should never leave a man hanging.
Unless they are still alive.
What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and a baby? The baby is still alive.
Why do kids with cancer hate their birthday?
They don't know if they'll be alive to see it.
I love my family when they're buried alive.
I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.
Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"
You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."
Roses are red, violets are blue, I don't know why I am still alive for you.
Despite Michael Jackson’s legal problems while he was alive, McDonald’s is still going to honor his life achievements in the music industry by naming a sandwich after him.
They’re going to call it the McMichael! It’s going to be a fifty year old piece of meat pressed between two eight year old buns.
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? -- It was a grave mistake.
Thankfully, I'm still alive because I fail at everything in life.
It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
One night, I saw a woman sitting behind a dumpster. So I took her home. We talked all the way there. When we got home, I gave her a bath. Later on, things started getting passionate. We started doing intercourse, and some of the noises she made you would have thought she was still alive!
What's worse than depression & suicide?
Easy: LIVING. Everyday you wish you were dead but then reality hits you in the face that you're still alive and have to suffer living.
Pretend or not pretend, we have to decide everyday even if we don't pretend no one will notice :) no one ever does :). Living is the problem to everything. We get depression cuz of it and so much. Why can't we just die :)?