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Two men were talking about their wives

The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds. An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: “You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I’ll let you live. If you don’t, I’ll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive.” But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happenedd to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: “Tell him that if he doesn’t tell me where the loot is, I’ll shoot him here and now.” Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. “What did he say?” asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: “He said, ‘You don’t have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.’”

What is worse than a dead baby? A pile of dead babies. What’s worse than that? The one at the bottom is still alive. What is worse still? It has to eat its way out. What’s worse than that? It went back for seconds.

Q: If George Washington was alive today, what would he do? A: Scratch mercilessly at the coffin walls, while screaming at the top of his lungs!

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? – It was a grave mistake.

a man died with an erection. the three nurses in the morgue saw this the first nurse climbs on and rides him. the second nurse dose the same the third hesitates saying “i’m on my period.” the others say its ok hes dead so she rides him to. when she’s done he sits up and all the nurses ask how hes alive he replies i’m good to go after the two jumpstarts and blood transfusion

You travel to the past into the era where julius caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?¨

You reply with: ¨Surrounded by friends¨

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Two men walked into a bar and one man asked for H20 and the other man asked for H20 too.

Only one man came out alive.

Some people think Bin Laden is dead, but some think hes alive.

He is the Al-Qaeda Elvis

What’s worse than a dead baby?- A pile of dead babies- whats worse than that? -The one on the bottom is alive.- And whats worst than that is, the baby has to eat it’s way out

Wanna hear something bad? A pile of dead babies. Wanna hear something worse? The one at the bottom is still alive. Wanna hear something worse than that? He has to eat his way out. Wanna hear something that’s the worst? He comes back for seconds.

what con you say both at a funeral and during sex???

this whould be much better if you where alive

What is the best thing about being buried alive or burning to death? No funeral costs

What’s the difference between dead babies and a cat? The cat is still alive. What’s the difference between cat food and tonight’s dinner? Nothing it’s all just mystery meat.

what would MLK junior be if he was white…alive

What’s worse than a pile of dead babies? One at the bottom that’s still alive. What’s worse than that? Its forced to eat its way out. What’s even worse than that? It comes back for seconds.

What’s better than a pile of dead babies.

One that’s alive in the middle that has to eat it’s way out.

whats worse than a truck full of dead babies? one alive at the bottom

Yes Stephen hawkin is alive YEET