Aliveness jokes

Some sperm arrive in the uterus and see that the egg is already fertilized. They complain that they lost the race and have nothing to do but die.

One speaks up and says he isn't angry, and the others ask why.

"He thought he was going to be alive," the sperm says. "This chick works at an abortion clinic."

Yes, Stephen Hawking is alive.

YEET!

What's worse than a dead baby?

A pile of dead babies. What's worse than that? The one on the bottom is alive. And what's worst than that is, the baby has to eat its way out.

Why do we call them dead bodies? Nobody says "alive bodies!" Like you walk into your workplace, "OMFG IT'S FULL OF BODIES! Alive ones, though." You wouldn't give birth and say, "Come on, husband, help me with the bodies." If it's a surprise party, you wouldn't say, "QUICK, HIDE THE BODIES!" And the person who the party was for wouldn't say "OH MY GOD WHY ARE THEY DEAD!"

I wonder if any of these people are still alive.

Anyways,

When I arrived at the pearly gates when I died, the guardian asked me how I died. I told him I was just hanging around.

Stephen Hawking is ALIVE!

1, 2, 3, 4, 5. I'm old enough to drive, for now I'm still alive, till I crash in that beehive!

what was Juice WRLD before he was famous?

Answer: alive.

I got written up on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day." Apparently, it only applies to daughters who are alive.

Hi, my name isn't Pi.

Look up at the sky and wonder why.

Why are you alive?

Why is being alive so expensive? I'm not even having a good time.

What is the best thing about being buried alive or burning to death?

No funeral costs.

What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?

I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.

I got arrested because I cremated a guy. They said the guy had been alive when I burned him. I mean, it's an early cremation—what's the difference?

Fuck you, German kids, especially [those who are] alive.

If I died and went to heaven, do you think I’d be friends with Prince?

The only thing that makes me want to stay alive more is the thought that Prince would hate me.

It's not a war crime if no one's alive to report it.

Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Hitler is amazing; he's dead but still alive because he did Nazi death coming. It never happened.

Why do we not have female magicians? Because last time we had them, we burned them alive.