Aliveness jokes

[being buried alive]

Murderer: *out of breath* How are you eating the dirt so quickly?

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I've always been suicidal. Some might say, "Why haven't I actually done the act?" I'll just say, well, I hate myself too much so I thought I'd stay around for the punishment of staying alive.

What's worse than a dead baby?

A pile of dead babies. What's worse than that? The one on the bottom is alive. And what's worst than that is, the baby has to eat its way out.

what was Juice WRLD before he was famous?

Answer: alive.

What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?

This would be much better if you were alive.

Why do we not have female magicians? Because last time we had them, we burned them alive.

What is the best thing about being buried alive or burning to death?

No funeral costs.

I actually think Paul Walker was a good man, he did not deserve to be burned alive.

He had a change of race tho when he died.

Being alive is so expensive, I am not even having a good time doing it.

Kobe would still be alive if he would have gone to jail for raping that girl.

Why am I still alive?

Pills give me stomachaches, blood makes me faint, height frightens me...

Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

-You have to be alive to have autism.

Some people think Bin Laden is dead, but some think he's alive.

He is the Al-Qaeda Elvis.

(Bus Driver) What did you learn in school today?

(Kid) We learned that you are a sussy baka.

(Bus Driver) Oh yeah? Well, I quit!

(Kid) Quit what?

(Bus Driver) Living.

(Kid) But it was a joke!

(Bus Driver) Doesn't matter. I will die, but you will still be alive.

(Kid) Ok.

(Bus Driver) That was a joke, too!

Good news, people! Michael Jackson is still alive. They found him hidden away in a goat pen with all the kids!

Abortion is wrong because God wanted the baby to be alive.

Miscarriages are okay because God did not want the baby to be alive.

What’s the difference between dead babies and a cat?

The cat is still alive.

What’s the difference between cat food and tonight’s dinner?

Nothing, it’s all just mystery meat.

I wonder if any of these people are still alive.

Anyways,

When I arrived at the pearly gates when I died, the guardian asked me how I died. I told him I was just hanging around.

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Knife." "Knife, who?" "How are you still alive? I just stabbed you!"