New Aliveness Jokes

I got written up on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day." Apparently, it only applies to daughters who are alive.

What is a necrophiliac's safe word?

"I'm alive!"

Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

-You have to be alive to have autism.

If ignorance is bliss, BLESSEDBRIAN must be the happiest person alive.

Hey, I just want to give a round of applause to Shooter McFly, single-handedly keeping the jokes section alive. Unappreciated, well, Shooter, one person here appreciates you, at least.

What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?

I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.

"Hola soy Dora, do you see Donald Trump? That’s right, he’s at my house, and he’s building a wall to separate me and Caillou. And Mami won’t let him, so she was walled alive!"

Yo momma is so stupid, she saw an anime and started eating a live rabbit, and thought she would get powers!

It's not a war crime if no one's alive to report it.

I wonder if any of these people are still alive.

Anyways,

When I arrived at the pearly gates when I died, the guardian asked me how I died. I told him I was just hanging around.

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Knife." "Knife, who?" "How are you still alive? I just stabbed you!"

I actually think Paul Walker was a good man, he did not deserve to be burned alive.

He had a change of race tho when he died.

If I died and went to heaven, do you think I’d be friends with Prince?

The only thing that makes me want to stay alive more is the thought that Prince would hate me.

Why do we call them dead bodies? Nobody says "alive bodies!" Like you walk into your workplace, "OMFG IT'S FULL OF BODIES! Alive ones, though." You wouldn't give birth and say, "Come on, husband, help me with the bodies." If it's a surprise party, you wouldn't say, "QUICK, HIDE THE BODIES!" And the person who the party was for wouldn't say "OH MY GOD WHY ARE THEY DEAD!"

Being alive is so expensive, I am not even having a good time doing it.

Hitler was the most handsome man alive.

Everyone died for him.

It was raining sadly all day. My wife, my two daughters, and me were stuck in the house when wife’s mom and dad just died.

Wife: 😭😭😭I wish this never happened.

Mia, our first daughter: Mommy, it’s ok. I love whenever I see you🥰🥰

Abby, our second daughter: I love you all. Only if you guys die I won’t, but I love you when you're alive 😉😏

Me, husband: What kind of nonsense was that? You love us when we’re alive, but you don’t love us when we’re dead🤥😥😓

Everyone except Abby: Abby, this is serious. Mommy’s mother and father died. Mia says: Yes, your mom is sadly down right now, you made her more sad😡🤬. Dad says: *sniffs* Abby, I had made a discussion. I will take you to an orphanage. I am sorry 😣 when I am better and happy and I forgot what you said then we’ll get you back. Mom says:

This was not a joke. I just did this for Love 💕