Afterlife jokes
Hi guys, jokes for sister.
So I was listening to a song about "I hate you, are annoying, sister. I'm small and I'm smart," and when I showed it to her, she killed me, and later I was dancing and crying.
3 men go to hell. Satan says if you can question me and I can't answer, you go to heaven.
The first man asks if Satan knew how to make computers. He goes to hell. The next man asks if he knew how to make furniture. He goes too. The third man pokes a ton of holes in a bottle cap and farts in the bottle, asks Satan where the fart came from. Satan said every possible answer and the man pointed to his butthole and said "nope this one"😂
You wanna know why Stephen Hawking isn't going to heaven?
Because it's a stairway, not a ramp.
Kid: Dad, what happened to the kidnapper?
Dad: He had a nap.
Kid: Where is he now?
Dad: HELL!
I'm thinking of getting a job as a gardener--pushing up the daisies!
Tombstone engraving: "I TOLD you I was sick!"
Why isn't Stephen Hawking going to heaven?
Because he's British.
That's why your grandma 6 ft deep, feet!
Where do feminists go when they die? "Hell's Kitchen."
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He sees a bunch of clocks and asks Jesus what they are for. He replied they are gauges, and that they move when people lie. He said that Mother Teresa's has moved twice, Abraham Lincoln's once, and George Washington's never.
The man asks to see the current president's, and Jesus just laughs and says that Joe Biden's is the one keeping the hurricanes to speed.
Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.
Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"
Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."
Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"
Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"
Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."
Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."
Once I tried to tell my friend a joke about dead people... but it went six feet underground...
-->[]life death[]<--
Why did the chicken cross the road because he wanted to get run over and poop, and he died for 30 years until he was sent to Joe for getting run over, and he got killed by something, and then he died, and then he got it by you poop.
I have a friend who doesn't have a dad.
He says: "You're useless, go to hell!"
Me: "Wait, why do you want me to join your dad?"
When you're driving past a graveyard say: "Wow, people were just dying to get in there."
Get up, you lazybones!
Whoever kills Hitler goes to heaven.
Oh, wait... never mind...
My dad said not to touch this thingy called a gun, but I looked down that pole and pressed that thing, and now I'm in heaven.
Dead people can’t cross the street because they're dead, ha ha!