Aed jokes
I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" The man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon."
Why did nobody believe the little girl who got raped?
She said a monster attacked her.
What do you call an Asian, a blind man, and a very bad driver?
Why are school shootings branded “very American”?
1. They usually happen in the USA.
2. They’re like the Fourth of July: there’s a lot of loud banging and kids screaming.
Why is it so punny when Sans tells a joke in the evening?
Because a SANSET is happening.
A guy walks into a bar with a 44 magnum and says, "Who the fuck's been fucking my wife?" The room goes silent. The guy in the back finishes his beer and says, "You ain't got enough bullets."
Why did Diana cross the road? Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
Q. What's the difference between a normal kid and an emo kid? A. One has a functioning neck.
Why was the boy crying?
He had a frog stapled to his face.
OK, so Kenya and Kariah are both orphans that hate orphan jokes, so how about we make a joke out of them!
I'm writing a movie about 9/11. It's called "September 11th Two Thousand Fun."
Q: What type of mother gives their daughter sperm? A: A furry mother.
What do you call a steak that tastes bad?
A MISsteak.
So, I'm sitting here smacking on some cheese ball BBQ, my titties, and then I saw the most a shoe got shoveled all the way up my ass. I cried, then turned around and said, "MOTHERFUCKING COCK SUCK FUCKIN GAY ASS HOE SHOVIN SHOE'S UP MY ASS SON OF A BITCH!" Then turned around, punched the guy, got smacked in the face, went in for another punch, got smacked in the face, then people staring at me. I said, "WTF are you staring at?" I punched as hard as I can, then got knocked out. I thought this, "This isn't over motherfucker, I'm gonna find you and kill you." Next thing I knew, I was in the hospital. They told me, "Why tf were you fighting a stop sign?" I said, "What? You were fighting a motherfuckering stop sign?" I said, "Bitch, I ain't crazing yo head a stop sign son of a bitch fuck my pussy u must be high! hai es a bitch muhfuhcka"
What's the difference between a dump truck of dead babies and a Ferrari?
I don't own a Ferrari.
How do you know if someone is a vegan or has run a marathon?
They'll tell you.
What's a lesbian's favorite type of food?
Finger-food.
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his driver (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
“I have an idea, boss,” his driver said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the driver's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The driver gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the driver fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my driver, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
What’s the difference between an apple and a depressed kid? The apple falls from the tree.
Nutted in my shoes, now my kids are taking a walk.