Aed jokes
Look, Bono is a great guy, but shopping with him is a pain, because he still hasn't found what he is looking for.
My brother went missing 5 years ago. He also supported TRUMP. He is currently dead in my basement in a chest in a cupboard.
Here’s another joke my friend told me.
What did the school shooter do when the librarian told him to be quiet? Pulled out a silencer.
What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?
A widow.
What’s a foot on one end, a foot on the other end, and a foot in the middle?
A meter stick.
Me: If a skinny person goes skinny dipping, then what do fat people do?
My friend: Chunky dunks.
I was born and raised in Newcastle.
My grandfather used to tell me stories about Penaldo, a goblin from Portugal that travels to England when Newcastle is playing. He scores a tapin and then disappears until the next Newcastle game. I still have nightmares that he’s in our stadium.
Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.
"Mum, I just won this phone in a race!"
"Who was in the race?"
"The owner of the phone. And the police. I think they're at the door to congratulate me!"
Jack and Jill went up my ass to eat a big dildo, but Jack died cause he got hit by a brown thing.
What do painters and prostitutes have in common?
They're both paid for a good finish.
Here is a good joke: asking for consent before sex.
What do you get when a dog that is actually a Weeto is caught in an earthquake? Just like a chocolate milkshake, only crunchy!
Hey, can you hold this for a second?
Yesterday a woman stabbed me, so I stabbed her back. Then I realized she was the vaccine woman.
What's the difference between a baby and garlic bread? I feel bad when I drop garlic bread.
A doctor is telling three women what they are addicted to.
He says to the first one, "You are addicted to money, you named your daughter Penny."
He says to the second one, "You are addicted to food, you named your daughter Candy."
Then the third one whispers to her son, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
I saw a cyclist in the road today, so I ran over him and he said in a robotic voice, "SHUTTING DOWN!"
Little Johnny went on a camping trip. All the tents were taken, so he shared with the teacher. So Little Johnny says: "Can I play with your bellybutton? My mom always lets me when we camp." So the teacher says: "Sure." 5 minutes later the teacher says: "Woah, woah, woah that's not my bellybutton!" Little Johnny says: "Woah, woah, woah, that's not my finger."
Why did the rapper join a gym?
To get those SICK BARS.