Aed jokes

This is a 2 for 1 plane combo that will never exist.

But, it's like a plane pizza.

Nothing happens, but it terrorizes me.

Africa has every type of gun but one...

A water gun.

Yo mama's so fat that Jane Goodall couldn't tell if she was a chimpanzee or a human being.

Q: Why doesn't Jesus play hockey?

A: He hates getting nailed to the boards.

Your mama is so fat that when she sat down on the couch for a family picture, it was just her.

I was born and raised in Newcastle.

My grandfather used to tell me stories about Penaldo, a goblin from Portugal that travels to England when Newcastle is playing. He scores a tapin and then disappears until the next Newcastle game. I still have nightmares that he’s in our stadium.

What's the difference between soccer and a dead baby?

I don't wear steel cap boots when I play soccer.

A kindergarten class is learning about the alphabet. The teacher asked, "What comes after M?"

Little Timmy reached into his backpack and yelled, "16!"

How did the guys with Down syndrome split the dinner bill? They all made a down payment.

A boy went to a doctor, and the doctor said, "I can't treat you." The boy asked why, and the doctor said, "Because I'm a family doctor."

So, I saw two homeless people on the road fighting. I said, "Stop fighting and go home." I guess it was a little insensitive.

Why did the dwarf get a job at Lidl?

Because every Lidl helps.

If an orphan wants food, who does it? No one. Everybody just watches him starve because they couldn't find his parents.

I'm 43 and my date is 19. A man rudely comes up to our table and calls me a pedophile. I told him to fuck off, this is our 10th anniversary.

My girlfriend got ran over by a bus. I lost my job as a bus driver.

What does a person eat before a race?

Answer: They fast.

My Wife: How much do you love me??

Me: Count all the stars.

My Wife: Aww, infinity.

Me: No, a waste of time.

Can two high-femme lesbians go on a date with each other?

Yes, but it will take them forever to get ready.

When you think you're depressed, but you know you're probably just using depression to be lazy and self-loathing, but then you realize that it, in itself, might actually be a symptom of depression.

Well gang, it looks like we've got another mystery on our hands!

I'd make a masturbation joke.

But they always get out of hand.