Aed jokes

They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group.

I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

Once a cheetah, always a cheetah.

Why was the tamale in the hospital? Because he was a "tamalito."

Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?

Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.

Today, my family visited Disneyland. When we got to the hall of fame, I was shocked to find a statue of the BielefeldMan.

The tour guide said, "That’s Lewandisney. He owns the biggest collection of Disney TAP-INS and is a Mickey Mouse clubhouse member." Well done Lewandisney!

I almost got run over by a car.

For the rest of the day I was taking the backseat as I was wheely tried.

What do you call an engineer that bakes? A BAKENEER!

What's the difference between Al Qaeda and Ms. Frizzle? One flew a plane into the Twin Towers; one flew a bus into the school.

What do you call a dog wearing a beret?

Smeargle!

I asked my kid to give me a hand. That motherfucker cried while charging his mechanical arm.

I wasn't going to have a brain transplant...

But then I changed my mind.

I took my son to a driver's school and am surprised because he got his license but soon lost the privilege to drive a car because he ran over my ex on "accident."

(I gotta go pay him out of jail!)

I have a trombone.

My friends were really annoying me at my birthday party, so I decided to pop a balloon to spook them.

Maybe going on a hot air balloon ride wasn't the best idea.

Your mama is so fat, I had to look twice to get a first impression.

Two gay guys are in a burning building, who gets out first? The one on the top or the bottom?

The bottom because his sh*t's already packed.

Why did the man decide to work at a pizza place? Because he kneaded the dough!

Yesterday I was in a wind storm.

Today my ears hurt. I guess the wind was ear-itating.

How does a rapper greet someone on a cold day?

"Yo, is the temperature Ice Cube, or Vanilla Ice?"

Your momma is so stupid, when someone said it’s chilly outside, she brought a spoon and bowl.