Aed jokes

If Hitler had a cooking channel: Step one... Turn on the gas.

When you're going 80 mph and hit a speed bump,

Then the speed bump starts screaming.

Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson? Cause it's a family company.

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

Who needs April Fools?

When your whole life is a joke?

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

What flour do you give an orphan?

Self-raising.

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says, “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies, “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies, “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent, and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, “Ok, now what?”

20 years of sex in the dark, the wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick." The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch."

If you were a food, what would you be?

Friend 1: "Pizza, cause I'm so cheesy."

Friend 2: "Chocolate chip cookie, cause I have lots of friends."

Me: "Donut, cause I'm so empty inside."

My sister thinks she's so smart. She said, "Onions are the only food that makes you cry." So I threw a coconut at her.

I would like to dedicate this song to a friend of mine, who was run over last week and is in hospital.

The wheels on the bus go round and round!

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"

The boy says, "Me! I'm going home now."

China should be a baseball team because they can take out the whole world with just a bat.

What do me and Monster cans have in common? A barcode.

My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due to his skill in disappearing.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

What's the difference between a maze and a depressed life? One of them you can find a way out of.

I got kicked out of a hospital once. I told all the COVID patients to stay positive.

So, a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.

Boy: "Hey mister, it's getting dark out and I'm scared!"

Man: "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"