Aed jokes

When I'm bored, I text a random number, "I hid the body... now what?"

My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery. But he changed my mind.

Why can't the USA and England play chess?

USA has no towers and England has no queen.

A man walks into the library. “Hello ma’am, I’d like to borrow a book about committing suicide.” The librarian replies, “No, you won’t give it back.”

When I was watching my daughter at the park earlier, another parent asked a man, "Which one is yours?" and he replied, "I'm still choosing." She looked horrified.

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

"Go big or go home," that's what some people say.

"Go loud and proud," that's what other people say.

"Go out with a big, loud bang!" that's what I say.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

I made a website for orphans. Unfortunately, it doesn't have a homepage.

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, except at a funeral.

Three citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI. Their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot her. He walked out in shame and said he couldn't do it. The second guy had the same scenario. He put the gun up, but couldn't pull the trigger, so he walked out in shame. The third guy was put in the same scenario. He walked out and told the instructor, "The gun wasn't loaded, I had to strangle the bitch."

Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy," to which Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's f**king Goofy."

I screamed "Jenga" today in class while watching a 9/11 documentary.

When it's been Halloween for a few months, but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.

I wish I could say that my life is a joke, but I can't because jokes have a meaning.

The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work... He’s a suicide bomber.

I know what I want to be for Halloween! A pumpkin! I'm very good at carving into myself, after all.