So I went out to eat the other day, and the waitress came up to me and asked if I wanted a glass of water. I said "Yes ma'am." She said "Oh honey, you don't have to call me ma'am, I'm not that old." I said "Okay, thanks bitch."
My grandfather never threw anything away, bless him. He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade.
If you jump off a bridge while crying, it's suicide, but if you jump off a bridge while screaming parquor it's a failed stunt.
Why is Donald Trump so desperate to break into the White House?
Most landlords cannot lease their properties to him due to the fact that he is a felon.
Fatty and skinny were in a bed. Fatty rolled over and skinny was dead.
I was out for dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.
If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?
There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.
Snow everywhere, it's Christmas time. A person looks at the tree. The person: Only last thing left to hang! He grabs a noose.
There's a movie about constipation. It hasn't come out yet.
What do a pedophile and a clock have in common...neither of them go pass 12.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin mobile.
I was excited my teacher asked my for sex in exchange for a good grade, but then I realized I was homeschooled.
Why can't two Chinese people have a white baby? Because "two wongs don't make a white."
A cop stopped a guy for speeding.
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.
The cop said, "But there is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.
What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator The fridge dont fart when you take your meat out
I'm a fast reader, I can go through 20 stories in a few seconds.
If you drop an emo and a piece of paper from a tree which will hit the ground first?
The piece of oaper because the rope will stop the emo
