I know Im valuable, I come with a barcode ;)
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife reply’s “perform the fucking autopsy!”
Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday, the ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried
Are you a toaster? Bc I want to take a bath w you ;)
When you name yourself twin towers and Terrorist in Kahoot:
Twin towers is on fire🔥
Terrorist is on a streak of 2
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it's from.
How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children's ward
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
New Teacher: "I was an orphan as a kid."
Students: "OOF"
Teacher: "Is anyone missing?"
Students: "Your parents."
Dark humor is a lot like food.
Not everyone gets it.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like "it's an elevator not a lift" and "it's chips not crisps" etc. After a while of this the British person calmly retorted "they're schools, not shooting ranges".
I know what I want to be for Halloween! A pumpkin! I'm very good at carving into myself, after all
There’s nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.
I believe "Self-Babtism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt"
Why can't orphans work at S.C Johnson? Cause it's a family company.
If you were a food what would you be?
Friend 1-Pizza cause I’m so cheesy
Friend 2-Chocolate chip cookie cause I have lots of friends
Me-donut cause I’m so empty inside
When you going 80 mph and hit a speed bump Then the speed bump starts screaming
Who needs April fools..
When your whole life is a joke?
I am a failure to everyone and decided to attemp a suicide, guess what? I failed
