Aed jokes
Why did the duck get arrested?
He tried to quack a safe.
Why can't orphans walk through doors?
Because they don't have a house to walk into.
I was fuming when I lost my job as a window cleaner, like who built the Twin Towers anyway?
Your mum is so fat, when she slept on the bed, the bed cracked and they had to replace it by a dinosaur.
What is the difference between an orphan and a bandit?
One's wanted.
Voting for Hillary because of her political experience is like...
Hiring Hitler as a birthday magician because he made 6,000,000 people disappear.
I was at a train station and a woman ran up to me and asked, "Is this train running on time?" I said, "No, it runs on steam and coal."
A husband walks into the bedroom door holding two aspirin and a glass of water.
His wife asked what that was for.
"It is for your headache."
"I don't have a headache."
He smiles. "Gotcha!!!!"
Why do strippers never care about things?
Because the last time they gave a fuck, it was for $20 an hour.
There was a magician on board the Titanic and said that he could make anything disappear.
Once the ship had gone down one of the passengers said to him, "Go on, so what did you do with the ship then?"
Why do people eat bananas? Because it's a-peeling!
You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
What do you call a feminazi that has a dick the size of a Vienna Sausage?
Fudge Packer.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, A face like yours belongs in the zoo, But don't you worry, I'll be there too, Not in a cage, but laughing at you!
One day, a father was showering, and his daughter ran into the bathroom while he was getting out and drying off.
The daughter curiously pointed to her father's penis and asked, "Daddy, when am I going to get one of those!?"
The father replied quickly, "In about 15 minutes, when your mother leaves for work."
What do you call a Pirate Pokemon?
Arrrrrr-ceus!
What do you call it when a chameleon won't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
What’s the difference between my ex and a unicycle?
A unicycle can only take one person at a time.
How do you stop your newspaper from flying away in the wind? -- Use a news anchor.
One time I saw a manatee all spray painted to look like a tiger. Needless to say, the first thing I yelled was, "OH! THE HUMANATEE!"