Aed jokes
I dated a furry once.
The relationship didn't work out, she was a cheetah.
What do you call four black people in a sleeping bag?
A Kit Kat.
I would roast BlessedBrian, but it seems LIFE already did a thorough job.
What do you call a depressed tree?
A wood cutter.
What's a Parkinson's victim's least favorite song?
Taylor Swift - "Shake it Off".
My wife called me a pedo. That's a big word for a 6 year old.
doctor: you need to eat healthy.
me: no.
doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.
me: oh my goodness.
doctor: in a plane crash.
me: that sounds unrelated.
doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!
Boy 1: "Sonic is a fictional character."
Boy 2: "Yeah, just like your dad."
The school shooter: "I finally found you worthless crybabies!!"
The Quiet Kid: "How are a bag of chips and a mac11 the same?"
The school shooter: "I don't know."
The Quiet kid: "When you pull them out everybody wants to be your friend."
Why don't catholic kids lose their virginity in their 20's?
Because they lost it to a priest when they were 5
What's the difference between a depressed person and a pizza? Pizza won't cut itself.
Boy: "Hey mom, can we have ice cream?"
Orphan: "What's a mom?"
Why are Americans so bad at Clash of Clans? Because they already lost two towers.
What’s the worst song to play in front of a vegetable? “James Brown - Get on Up”
What’s the worst song to play in front of a handicapped kid? “Van Halen - Jump”
What's the worst song to play in front of a black man in Minneapolis? “I Can't Breathe - Juice Wrld”
What do you call a banana eating a banana?
Canabananalism.
Person: "Doctor, doctor, I've only got 50 seconds to live!"
Doctor: "Just give me a minute!"
Suicidal ideation is like wanting to slaughter someone but knowing/feeling that you can't. It's also, in a way, kind of like seeing a really hot chick that you wish you could F, but you again for whatever reason you either feel you can't or you just can't.
What do bees do when they get married?
They go on a honeymoon.
Me and my wife were out at dinner. Me being 48 and her being 19, people were screaming at us and calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.
Yo mama so fat, when she said, "I want a boat," they gave her a naval ship.