Aed jokes

Being alive is so expensive, I am not even having a good time doing it.

What's the difference between a depressed person and a pizza?

Pizza won't cut itself.

Q. What's a bulimic's favorite movie?

A. The Purge.

How long does it take for a depressed person to change a light bulb?

5 days. & I’m pretty proud of myself.

I was reading the news and read that a kid killed his family, and when they interviewed him, he said he wanted to become Batman.

When a cookie 🍪 wins a race, what will the crowd say?

“Chip Chip Hooray!”

What is the difference between a baby and a canoe?

I would never put a canoe in my garage.

Why do black men have nightmares?

Because the only one that had a dream got shot.

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana?

Tiger Woods had a good driver.

If a dog made a computer, it would have a mega bite.

What is it called when a depressed person gets a stroke?

A stroke of luck :)

I would tell you a recycling joke.

But I’m afraid it’d just be reused over and over.

What is an orphan's favorite song? "Lost Boy."

Lil Jimmy: Hey doc.

Doctor: Hi, sorry but I can’t see you anymore.

Lil Jimmy: Why?

Doctor: Because, Lil Jimmy, I’m a family doctor, you're an orphan.

Lil Jimmy: 👁👄👁🖕

As a murderer, I stabbed a man after infiltrating his house. His wife came in and saw me. She fell into tears. I got up and said, "Drama queen!"

A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work... We were able to lift his coffin.

I'm on a seafood diet, I see food and I eat it.

How many white guys does it take to screw a lightbulb?

None. They hire me to do it.

Q: Why aren't there any Walmarts in Afghanistan?

A: Because there's a Target on every corner.

Hey girl, are your pants a mirror? 'Cause I can see myself in them.