Aed jokes
when is it normal to freeze before being raped?
when a policeman rapes you.
What do you call someone with an extra chromosome winning in a pool?
Posiedown.
Q: When and where was the biggest BBQ ever?
A: Hiroshima, Japan 1946.
Jim and Allyn are 2 mates in the Air Force. They were paired up for a training exercise. They got up into the air and Jim said, "Okay Allyn, your helmet can control the missile when launched from the jet. Go ahead and test fire a missile and aim it at anything you want." Allyn fired the missile and had his eyes set on an abandoned building. Jim then said, "I also forgot, watch out for friendly fire." Allyn said "What?" as he looked over at Jim.
A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit. He slams on his brakes, gets out, and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired.
A passing car slams on its brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny, pulls out an aerosol can, and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The bunny jumps up, runs a few feet, then stops, turns around, and waves its paw at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. He continues to do this until he’s out of sight.
The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says, “Wow, that is amazing! What is in that can?” The man looks at the can and reads the label, “Hair restorer, with a permanent wave.”
Chuck does not cut butter with a knife, he cuts a knife with butter.
What feature does an orphan's phone not have?
A home button.
A limbless man sat on the side of a lake every day. He had no hands or legs.
One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No."
The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?"
The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever."
So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked.
"No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before."
The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?"
The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."
The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"
Suicide is just freedom, life is just full of pain... Sometimes if you're gone maybe somebody might notice. Feels like life is a maze and the only way to leave is the exit. Nobody notices your pain, your suffering, and that you try your best though everyone notices your mistakes. Life just feels like everyone hates you. Life for me is just faking smiles, I'm not sure how everyone lives such a good life.
How did the blind Catholic get in a car crash? He asked Jesus to take the wheel.
"Twins sitting in class."
Me: Casually throws a paper plane at them.
What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.
I tried to tell an orphan a knock-knock joke, but sadly, there was no door to knock on.
COP: Are you high?
ME: If I was high, could I do this? *walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: Wth he just walked off a cliff.
Why are washers better than babies?
Washers don't cry when you put a load in them.
Why do people think Jesus is going to come back? He wasn’t nailed to a fucking boomerang!
Why does Michael Jackson have such a hard time playing chess?
He can't choose between black or white.
What is Hitler's favorite food? A hindenburger.
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
What do astronauts eat off of? A satellite dish.