Aed jokes

So Santa fell down the chimney, but it was a lit chimney...his name's no longer Santa. It's Crisp Cringle. Pls send help :)

Why did potassium draw a tear that would result in him crying?

Because all of his friends argon.

Where are you not allowed to go trick or treating as a ghost?

Harlem, New York.

The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."

when is it normal to freeze before being raped?

when a policeman rapes you.

What do you call someone with an extra chromosome winning in a pool?

Posiedown.

Jim and Allyn are 2 mates in the Air Force. They were paired up for a training exercise. They got up into the air and Jim said, "Okay Allyn, your helmet can control the missile when launched from the jet. Go ahead and test fire a missile and aim it at anything you want." Allyn fired the missile and had his eyes set on an abandoned building. Jim then said, "I also forgot, watch out for friendly fire." Allyn said "What?" as he looked over at Jim.

How do you get a dishwasher to shovel snow? Give the bitch a shovel.

What feature does an orphan's phone not have?

A home button.

Chuck does not cut butter with a knife, he cuts a knife with butter.

A limbless man sat on the side of a lake every day. He had no hands or legs.

One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No."

The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?"

The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever."

So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked.

"No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before."

The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?"

The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."

The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"

Suicide is just freedom, life is just full of pain... Sometimes if you're gone maybe somebody might notice. Feels like life is a maze and the only way to leave is the exit. Nobody notices your pain, your suffering, and that you try your best though everyone notices your mistakes. Life just feels like everyone hates you. Life for me is just faking smiles, I'm not sure how everyone lives such a good life.

How did the blind Catholic get in a car crash? He asked Jesus to take the wheel.

What do maths and 9/11 have in common?

They both prove two parallel lines can be intercepted by a plane.

What did the Asian parents say when they had a disabled kid?

Sum ting wong.

How many Trump supporters does it take to fix a lightbulb?

None, Trump says it is all done and they cheer in the dark.

COP: Are you high?

ME: If I was high, could I do this? *walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: Wth he just walked off a cliff.

I tried to tell an orphan a knock-knock joke, but sadly, there was no door to knock on.

Alright, riddle me this: I am loud and obnoxious, I like music that rhymes. I'm a fraction of the population, but commit half the crimes! What am I?

Why are washers better than babies?

Washers don't cry when you put a load in them.