Aed jokes

So I meet with a therapist on a weekly basis. We talk about my depression and how it's been getting worse. Recently, I've been advised about my condition, and how I've been discussing with her about being suicidal. She's been very helpful throughout it. I was even told I can pay in advance from now on, so I don't have to worry about it later.

What is the difference between giving money to a prostitute and giving money to a church? A prostitute won't tell you that it is more blessed to give than it is to receive.

Kid: "Hey dad, what's dark humor?"

Dad: "Go walk up to that homeless guy and throw a rock at him."

Kid: "But dad, I don't have any legs or arms."

Dad: "Exactly, son."

My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.

Lying bastard never came out.

Tried to kill myself today using a bungee cord, I kept ALMOST dying.

What's the difference between a priest and acne? At least acne waits til the boy is 12 to come on his face.

A priest, Kelly Clarkson, and Ian Watkins all walk into a bar... only for the bartender to exclaim, "We don't serve your kind around here!" Then he muttered in a low voice, "Fucking paedos."

What's the hardest part about being a pedophile?

Fitting in.

My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That's a big word for a seven year old.

What's the difference between my dad and a hooker?

Hookers come back.

We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read, "It's a bumpy road but soon you will have a straight path." People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.

A teacher asks a boy in her class, "If 3 birds are sitting on a fence, and one is shot, how many are left?" The boy responds with, "None." The teacher asks why. "They would all fly away after hearing the gunshot." The teacher says, "The answer is 2, but I like the way you think."

Later, the boy asks the teacher, "3 women walk out of an ice cream shop. One is eating with a spoon, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking it." The boy says, "No, the one wearing the ring, but I like the way you think."

I was in cooking class and my teacher said, "Does anyone know what a chopping board is similar to?"

Me and my friend just glanced at each other and burst out laughing.

Long story short, the teacher understood the joke, and now we are both in daily therapy. 😭💀

Why did the orphan become a prostitute? They wanted someone to call "daddy."

Why do the Japanese hate Christmas?

Because the last time a Fat Man came down the chimney, they lost half their population.

When you send her a dick pic, but then she sends you one right back...

A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."

What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

He wipes his ass.

How does E.T. have an advantage over orphans? E.T. can actually phone home.

What’s black, white, and red? A nun that fell down a 100 flight of stairs.

What’s black, white, and laughing? The nun that pushed her!