I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
Officer sees a man and he is seeing he is having trouble walking so he asked him "sir are you drunk?" The man responds "No sir i'm not drunk." So the Officer asks "how high are you?" And the man responds "no sir, its high how are you."
What's the difference between my dad and a hooker?
Hookers come back.
Asian pregnancy test: Stick a Rubik cube into vagina. Wait 30 seconds, if it's solved then there's a little Asian in there.
What's the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?
The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, "Sign here please."
What's a depressed persons favourite drink
Depresso espresso
Nah just kidding it's bleach
What does it mean when a man has a dodgy past? It means he has skeletons in his closet.
What does it mean when a man likes Lana Del Rey better than Ed Sheeran? It means he has a closet full of women's leather pants (but no women in their dating history).
Im doing a charity bungee jump for the local disabled. Its called spastics on elastics
Q: What did one emo kid say to the other emo kid?
A: Wanna hang out?
Why do the japanese hate Christmas???
Becasue the last time a Fat Man came down the chimney, they lost half their population
Why did the orphan become a prostitute? They wanted someone to call "daddy."
If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?
Gays: "I like men."
Straight: "I like women."
Bisexual: "A hole is a hole."
I like my people how I like my tea..
In a bag under water.
Woah man, you need to take a step back. Your hairline did, so I am sure you can.
A brother and a sister always got into fights. One day the brother tells the sister, "your adopted" the sister yells back, "At least they wanted me!"
best friend makes 9/11 joke
you: hey my dad was inside the tower
best friend: im sorry
you: I always knew he was a great pilot
friend: hey,wanna play hid and seek? me:sure, i've got a great spot! me: *grabs nuce and runs to my closet*
- Mommy, i want a bicycle !! - Shut up Sam! You've already have your wheelchair!
How do you get an emo out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
