Aed jokes
I was digging a hole in the garden until I found some coins! I was about to tell my mum when I remembered I was digging a hole in the garden.
Any game: "Are you a boy or a girl?"
Non-binary people: *cries*
Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?
Son: Sure thing, dad!
Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!
Son: I don't get the joke, dad.
Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.
I'm not saying you're inbred. I'm just saying you're a textbook example of why consanguineous marriage might not be the best idea.
Why are Egyptian gods orphans?
Because Egypt needs to sell Anubis (a new bus) every year to make a prophet.
A scarecrow got promoted because he was outstanding in his field.
What do you call a black man on the moon?
An astronaut, you fucking racist.
My dad died on 9/11. He was a great pilot.
A woman can fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship.
A man can fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm.
What do women and pools have in common?
They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.
What do you call an Irish lesbian? A gay lick.
A good woman is like a good cup of coffee, especially when it’s strong and hot with a little bit of cream in it.
Did you hear about the guy who got fired for having sex with his clients?
He was a great veterinarian.
What's the best response to a girl saying, 'What's up?'
'If I tell you, will you sit on it?'
I've been hit by several things in my life.
Sadly, never a car.
Kid: Mum, how do you know someone is drunk?
Mum: See the four birds over there?
Kid: Huh, wait a minute.
Mum: A drunk person would see eight.
Kid: Mum, but there is only two.
I parked in a disabled space today...
...and a traffic warden shouted to me, “Oi, what's your disability?” I said “Tourettes! Now fuck off!”
Rizz
Are you a basketball hoop? 'Cause I want to put my balls in you.
Are you a photo biographer? 'Cause I can picture us together.
I’ve always been a bit insecure about having thicker thighs.
Now I realize it allows me to fit more scars!
My thighs have a different texture pack than the rest of me.