Aed jokes

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex...

I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.

What's simultaneously up and down?

A retard on a plane.

Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection.

A fake name and a fake phone number.

What do you get when you combine a priest and lawyer? A Father-in-law.

So, a man was on a ledge ready to kill himself because he got laid off at work and his girlfriend cheated on him. He was about to jump until he saw from a mountainside a little guy with no arms dancing around. So he thought, "Maybe my life ain't so bad." So he went to the mountainside. "Thank you," he said, "I was gonna jump off a bridge and kill myself until I saw you dancing, even though you have no arms. Dancing?" the armless man said bitterly, "My asshole itches and I can't scratch it."

A class is being taught when Bill Clinton walks in. He asks the class, "What is a tragedy?"

One kid, named Jim, raises his hand and says, "If my family and I got ran over by a truck, that would be a tragedy." Bill Clinton replies, "That would be an accident, not a tragedy."

A couple of seconds later, Audrey raises her hand and says, "If a school shooting would happen and 10 kids died, that would be a tragedy." Bill Clinton replies once again with: "That would be a great loss, not a tragedy." All of the kids are confused now when all of a sudden Matthew says, "If you and Hillary Clinton were on an airplane and it got blown up, that would be a tragedy!"

"Yes!" Says Bill Clinton "How do you know?" Matthew says happily, "It is definitely not an accident, and certainly not a great loss!"

A guy walks into a bar and sees a 1-foot piano player over by the door. He goes over to the bartender, orders a beer, and says, “Man, how’d you get such a short piano player?” The bartender says in response, “There’s a genie in the back of the bar.” The man finishes his beer and runs to the back, looking for the genie. He finds it and says, “I wish for a million bucks.” Suddenly, a million ducks fly out of the bar. The customer looks confused and goes back to the bartender and says, “What just happened?” The bartender replies, “The genie is half deaf, do you really think I’d ask for a 12-inch pianist?”

A panda walks into a bar. He asked the bartender for a sandwich and then proceeds to shoot him, then leaves the bar. Later on, after asking witnesses, the police track down the panda and take him to the station. They question him and ask, “Why’d you do it?” The panda replied, “It’s what pandas do, look it up.” So they did, they went on Wikipedia, and there it was: Pandas eat shoots and leaves.

What do 9-11 and a fighter have in common? They both have a one-two combo.

This boy in my high school choir class had a decently big forehead, so I leaned in and said, "You know, if you painted an H on your forehead, maybe Kobe would've landed."

What do you call a group of chubby trans-genders?

Trans-fats.

What do Hostess Twinkies and the cock of a gay man have in common?

🐓 🐓 🐓 🐓 🐓 🐓 🍦 🍦 🍦 🍦 🍦 🍦 🍨 🍨 🍨 🍨

My uncle said he wants to be a dinosaur. I said why... he said so I could be extinct 😭😭

To all of you who can't understand using jokes as a coping mechanism... you know what I will ask of you :)

What do a fat chick and a moped have in common?

They’re both fun to ride until your friends find out.

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and asks the bartender for 12 shots of vodka. The bartender asks what the man is celebrating, and said he'll give one shot on the house. The man said, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob. And nah, if 12 shots doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."

If Stephen Hawking has a heart attack, do you take him to Halfords or A&E?

This is really mean...

A man put a blind man in a circular room and said, "Your dinner's in the corner."

The reason why the "eating a tide pod" trend ended so fast is because everyone that did it died.