Aed jokes

If you give a gator a GPS, does that make it a navigator?

Apparently, Monica Lewinsky didn't vote for Hillary Clinton this election. She said the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

What do you call a happy child swinging with her friends at recess?

Not Sally.

Why did Wi-Fi and the computer get married?

Because they had a connection.

Michael Jackson gets really ill, so he's rushed to hospital. When they get there, he says, "Am I in heaven?"

The doctor replies, "Nah, sir, we're just taking a quick shortcut through the children's ward."

You know when you sign up for something and it says "I'm not a robot"? I guess he never had the chance to tick that.

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."

"Sanderson, fire a warning shot."

"Uhh sir, this is an M32 rotary grenade launcher."

"Ah potato-potato, just pull the trigger."

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila.

What's the difference between a bus full of children and a fish?

The fish can swim.

There once was a street named Chuck Norris. They had to change the name because no one crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of Caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them.

What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”

She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

Did you hear that Stephen Hawking wrote a new book? It's called "Around The House in Eighty Days."

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A: So she can moan with the other.

Johnny Depp fans claim to support their god because they sympathize with male victims of sexual assault. Yet a large chunk of them cheer on Wacko Jacko raping little boys, calling it "innocent".

What is it called when an orphan takes a selfie?

A family photo.