Aed jokes

What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere.

A man is at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A few years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”

A man looks at his friend and says, "If you and a friend go camping and you two get really drunk, and in the morning you wake up with a condom in your butt, would you tell anyone?" The friend says in a disgusted tone, "No." So the man says, "Okay, let's go camping."

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The "p" is silent.

I almost secretly married a watermelon, but I cantaloupe.

If you give a gator a GPS, does that make it a navigator?

Apparently, Monica Lewinsky didn't vote for Hillary Clinton this election. She said the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

Michael Jackson gets really ill, so he's rushed to hospital. When they get there, he says, "Am I in heaven?"

The doctor replies, "Nah, sir, we're just taking a quick shortcut through the children's ward."

Why did Wi-Fi and the computer get married?

Because they had a connection.

What are the similarities between an orphan and a newborn plant?

Both their parents were separated.

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."

You know when you sign up for something and it says "I'm not a robot"? I guess he never had the chance to tick that.

"Sanderson, fire a warning shot."

"Uhh sir, this is an M32 rotary grenade launcher."

"Ah potato-potato, just pull the trigger."

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila.

There once was a street named Chuck Norris. They had to change the name because no one crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of Caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them.

What's the difference between a bus full of children and a fish?

The fish can swim.

What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”

She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”