Aed jokes

I'm thinking about telling my daughter there's a ghost in the house. At least then I can wear a bed sheet at night and fuck her without her being suspicious.

The hardest part of picking up a hitch hiker is tying them up.

I was fuming when I lost my job as a window cleaner, like who built the Twin Towers anyway?

What did Omnicron say to Delta?

"Same race, bud, different evolution."

"SIX FEET AWAY, OMNI! SIX FEET AWAY!"

What do you get when you have a class of kids and a speeding car?

A 24 killstreak!

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.

Your mama's so fat, I don’t know if it is a hippo or not.

I wanted to bomb a restaurant, so I went in there with a bomb, but the bomb got diffused and did not work.

I asked a person standing nearby. I said, "Hey, do you know how to fix this bomb so I can blow up this place?"

He gave me a book.

It was the Quran.

I said, "What the hell is that?"

He said, "This is the official manual for bomb making."

A bullet is like an arrow.

Nothing can stop it from going through your head.

Astrophysics fact: If you count every star on a Saturday night, you're autistic.

Little Johnny ran into the kitchen and asked his mother, "Mom, can little girls have babies?" His mom answered, "Of course not." A few minutes later, his mom heard him shout to his friend, "It's okay, we can keep playing!"

"Uh daddy harder," the orphan said. Oh wait, he doesn’t have a daddy.

A girl asked her mom, "Why is my name Walmart?"

Her dad replied and said, "Because that’s where you were made."

What did Ronnie have at Taco Bell?

A mind-blowing bean burrito.

Orphan

Girl: How much do you love me?

Me: Count the stars in the sky.

Girl: Aww, it's infinite!

Me: No, just a waste of time.

What's the difference between you and me?

I have a plan for this new year.

So long, suckers. Keep scrolling.

Tesco's slogan is "Every little helps."

Well, their bag did a wonderful job on suffocating my wife.

Don't you find it ironic that Kobe Bryant bounced his helicopter off the ground like a basketball?

My wife said, "Why oh why have you ordered carpet, our house is lovely?"

Thankfully the carpet was put to good use in the end, no more stupid comments coming from a rolled up Emily in the bottom of the ocean!