Aed jokes

How do you get 100 dead babies into a tub? Put them in the blender.

How do you get them out of the tub? Give mexicans tortilla chips and tell them theres salsa in the tub.

Yesterday, a 5-year-old dyslexic boy almost saved his mother from drowning, but he kept dialing 119...

What do you call a circus show? A school shooter.

Once I ate a table... it was food consuming.

What do you call a dog without legs?

Nothing, it won't come either way.

What do you call a man shopping? A half-grown carton of cheese.

A policeman just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous! My dogs don’t even own bikes!

For a while, lead was used in pencils, but... we realised that it might not have been the smartest idea because it lead (badoom ching) to some people getting lead poisoning.

How does a cow introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.

Three guys walk into a bar: one Asian, one American, one Black.

A girl walks in and says if all three of your D*** sizes don't add up to 12 inches, I will shoot you.

First comes the American with 3 inches, then the Black man with 8.

It totals out to 11 and they look at the Asian and say "Oh no."

He comes to 1 inch to top off the twelve.

She walks away and says ok.

The Asian says, "You're lucky she was hot, so I had a boner!"

Seems very long. You won't remember the telephone number...

I remember it like this from school days in Ireland.

Dolly Parton is shopping for a new bra. A lady says, "Your size is 69." Dolly says, "No way, that's too too too (222) big." So she goes to the doctor. "Doc, I need something to make my boobs smaller." "Here, take (51) pills for 6 days (x6)," and so she did. Days later, she ran back to the doc, "Jesus Christ doctor, look what happened. I'm BOOBLESS!" 55378008 upside down.

Wood-fired pizza.

How would pizza get a job now?

A guy saw a person with a duck and said, "Where did you get a pig?"

The owner replied, "It's not a pig, dummy!"

The random guy said, "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the duck."

How do you keep your friends from boring you with pictures of their children?

Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"

Julius Caesar walks into a bar and orders a Martinus.

The bartender asks, "Don't you mean Martini?"

Julius Caesar says, "No, I only want one."

What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?

One's a busy ditch.

If I look after chickens, does that make me a chicken tender?

Two tomatoes are walking on a road. Then a car runs over one of them, and the other says: "Hi, ketchup!"

What do you call a dinosaur that likes subtraction?

A galiminus.

Ok, now I'm not good at telling jokes, but this one is not too bad. One cunt said to another cunt, "Do you get cold at night?"

"Fuck no, cunt," the first cunt said, "Why?"

"I have a built-in set of vertical curtains to keep the cold out, cunt!" xx