Aed jokes
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”
“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bred dog.
What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable!
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barber-queue.
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.
I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
How do you make a lesbian upset?
Give her a multiplication test.
How do you break up a fight between two gay men?
Say, "Can you get straight to the point?"
Q. What's the best part of living in Alabama?
A. Not having to change your last name when you get married.
Have you ever thought about the fact that every market in Africa is a black market?
Why did Little Johnny drop his ice cream?
Because he got hit by a bus.
What's the difference between a white woman and a tornado siren?
The tornado siren doesn't get raped.
Your hairline is so far back that if you were a backbencher in class and I was a germ sitting on it, I would think that the rest of the backbenchers are seated in front of the class.
What is a pedophile's favorite age range?
9-11.
What's the difference between a priest and McDonald's? They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.
How do we know Cinderella is a virgin?
Because she runs away from balls.
What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?
"Where are the kids?"