Aed jokes
Trump wants people to think he's a great golfer. But the only handicap he has is a mental one.
My cousin is a surgeon.
Last year he botched a surgery he was doing on a patient who happened to be gay. He's being sued for malpractice for turning a fruit into a vegetable.
Q. What's the difference between Trump and a piece of shit? A. Shit isn't orange.
In light of Trump's slurring, staggering, and incoherence, I wondered if he should get checked for a brain tumor.
Then I realized how ridiculous that sounded.
A tumor can't grow in something that doesn't exist in the first place.
I used to be emo, but I don't cut myself to solve my problems anymore.
I just drink a bunch of liquor like an adult.
My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":
Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.
I recently learned that it's politically incorrect to talk about taking part in a school shooting.
Apparently the term "school photos" is more acceptable.
A little known rule: You cannot be circumcised if you are running for political office in the US.
You need to be a complete dick.
What is the difference between Batman and a black man?
Batman can go out at night without Robin.
Q: What was the last thing the United Healthcare CEO heard before he got shot?
A: "It's me, Luigi!"
If a lawyer gives birth to a stillborn baby, is it considered a miscarriage of justice?
What does a crooked lawyer who is not on the ACLU payroll have in common with a crooked politician who has an office in Washington, DC?
They both sign their names using a blue pen 🖊 🖊.
NSFW Why can't women ever tell men where the clitoris is?
'Cause it's a place to eat.
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think about a solution in silence.
What is a victimless crime in the state of Michigan if you are an able-bodied man who is well-endowed, not white, and not a heterosexual male?
A white male who is heterosexual and physically disabled who is sodomized by an able-bodied and well-endowed gay male who is not white inside the men's locker room at the gym.
If Donald Trump gets any worse, they'll have to replace Air Force One with a short bus.
When I was a kid, I knew a woman named Betty Pears.
She died a horrible death from Alzheimer's.
I thought a pear was a fruit, not a vegetable!
So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.
If a CEO goes blind, are they just an EO?
What do you call a wizard who can't secure a girl? Fumbledore.