Accident jokes

There was this boy. He had diarrhea, and he kept asking to go to the bathroom, but the teacher said no. Next thing you know, he pooped himself in front of the class.

*Coughs roughly* Oh my God, it hurts so much. I can't see. It burns! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! *Weakly*

Pass around the roses, their casket full of hoses, crash it, watch it, the water! OH SHIT IT'S GONNA BLOW!

I would tell a joke about Kobe, but it wouldn’t really land well.

Her: I love Kobe Bryant!

Me: Helicopter Helicopter

Her:.....

Me: At least you don't say save the trees, cus damn Kobe is good.

One day I was passing a blind man and I gave him a gun and told him it was a blow dryer.

Next day I went for another walk and saw his grave.

If the captain of the Titanic was dumb, he would eat the iceberg.

Why did Little Sally get hurt while playing soccer?

Because she fell into a minefield.

When a guy falls, it hurts them there. When a woman falls, it hurts more.

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because she is a dumb b*tch!

Two girls are at a play and are about to go on the stage.

Ally before the other girl goes on stage: Break a leg!

Rachel: Alright!

On stage, Rachel trips over a stand and breaks her leg.

Rachel calling backstage: I broke my leg!

What were Princess Diana's last words?

Have you been Dri...?

What's yellow and can't swim?

A school bus full of kids drowning.

So this one time I saw Sally trying to get up after she fell off the swing, and I helped her up and she said "Thank you," and I said, "You're welcome." The next day I saw her legs and someone said, "I would not do that," and I said, "Whatever." I tapped Sally, and the top halve fell. I said, "WHAT HAPPENED TO SALLY?" And someone said she went in a minefield.

They finally released the audio recording from the black box in Kobe’s helicopter.

Apparently when the helicopter caught fire, Kobe was sitting right next to the only fire extinguisher. You could hear everyone screaming for him to put out the fire, but he couldn’t figure out how to use it. They begged and pleaded for him to give the extinguisher to anyone else... the last thing you hear is Kobe saying “I’d rather die than pass it!”

Did you hear how Stephen Hawking died?

There was a mix up, and he was dropped at PC World instead of A&E!

I was arrested for eating too much crack on accident. How?

My sister came into my room shoving her ass in my face.

My granddad died in Auschwitz in WW2...

He fell from a tower.

A lawyer bought a beautiful yacht. He invited the law firm to come aboard for a great weekend.

Saturday night was the candle light dinner and Sam drank too much, walked on the deck and fell over the rail into the water and was calling for help. Tom said, "Oh no, the sharks will get him." All of the party lined along the rail and noticed the sharks were swimming around him in a circle. Jim said, "The sharks are not even bothering him!" And a shark lifted up his head out of the water and said, "Professional Courtesy."

So I added Paul Walker on Xbox the other day, and it’s annoying cause all he does is sit on the dashboard.