So this one time I saw Sally trying to get up after she fell off the swing, and I helped her up and she said "Thank you," and I said, "You're welcome." The next day I saw her legs and someone said, "I would not do that," and I said, "Whatever." I tapped Sally, and the top halve fell. I said, "WHAT HAPPENED TO SALLY?" And someone said she went in a minefield.
Accident Jokes
They finally released the audio recording from the black box in Kobe’s helicopter.
Apparently when the helicopter caught fire, Kobe was sitting right next to the only fire extinguisher. You could hear everyone screaming for him to put out the fire, but he couldn’t figure out how to use it. They begged and pleaded for him to give the extinguisher to anyone else... the last thing you hear is Kobe saying “I’d rather die than pass it!”
Some guy was mad at his ex-wife! So he threw a bottle of alcohol into her house when he was drunk.
And realized when he was being questioned for arson, his cigarette was in the rim of the bottle.
I was arrested for eating too much crack on accident. How?
My sister came into my room shoving her ass in my face.
Did you hear how Stephen Hawking died?
There was a mix up, and he was dropped at PC World instead of A&E!
A lawyer bought a beautiful yacht. He invited the law firm to come aboard for a great weekend.
Saturday night was the candle light dinner and Sam drank too much, walked on the deck and fell over the rail into the water and was calling for help. Tom said, "Oh no, the sharks will get him." All of the party lined along the rail and noticed the sharks were swimming around him in a circle. Jim said, "The sharks are not even bothering him!" And a shark lifted up his head out of the water and said, "Professional Courtesy."
So I added Paul Walker on Xbox the other day, and it’s annoying cause all he does is sit on the dashboard.
"Jack and Jill went home because he was sick because of the virus in town, gave him a frown, and his arms were pricked."
What did the car say when it crashed? That's wheely unfortunate!
I saw a yellow bus and I knew that some-ting was wrong.
The bus was white.
Haha, dead.
Why can't Helen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman? No, seriously, why can't she drive? Because she's dead.
You work at Papa's Pizzeria, ok?
Boss: You're fired!
Me: Ok?
Worker: Why are you fired?
Me: Oh, you wanna know...
*shows him the oven with my pizza*
Me: I left my pizza in the oven, that bitch burnt as fuck!!
Worker: OH SHIT!!
Boss: Did you say pizza?
Me: I sure did!
*shows boss pizza in oven*
Me: This hoe black as fuck!
Boss: I fired you because I can't stop looking at your ass, not this why?
Why did Sally run into a tree?
She is blind.
I will always remember my baby sister's last words: "What is the fire for?"
What’s worse than dropping your ice cream?
The Holocaust.
My sister got in a car crash a couple days ago. When she got to the hospital, the doctor told her that she needed to get metal mechanics in her leg.
She got really scared and yelled at the doctor, telling them that, “I will not get those implanted in my leg.” I guess she just doesn’t associate with knee gears.
What does Kobe and the Twin Towers have in common?
The pilots just couldn't stick the landing.
Wow, that was explosive!
Man, I'm on fire 🔥 today!
Did you hear about Hellen Keller falling down the well?
She screamed her little fingers off.
Today I gave a blind guy a gun and told him it was a hair dryer. Since I have no fingerprints, the police said it was suicide. I guess you can say I took care of him!
