Accident jokes
Teacher: Johnny, can you use a sentence with "definitely" in it?
Little Johnny: Do farts have lumps in them?
Teacher: Of course not, Johnny.
Little Johnny: Then I’ve definitely shat myself.
What's black and found on top of the stairs?
Stephen Hawking during a house fire.
What's the definition of disappointment?
Running into a wall with a boner, but it only hits your nose.
A doctor fell into a well and broke his collarbone.
The doctor should attend the sick and leave the well alone!
Two men ran into a bar. You would have thought after the first one hit it, the second one would have seen it.
A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll f--ck you for $10." The boy says, "I would, but I don't have any money." She says, "Ok, I'll take the duck instead." He says, "Ok," so they go upstairs and f--ck. The prostitute says, "That's the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back, and we can do it again." So they do, and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, "Well, I got a f--ck for a duck, a duck for a f--ck, and $25 for a f--cked up f--ck."
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
He couldn’t see that well.
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
A man walked into a bar... He got seven stitches.
Why did an old man fall in a well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
What did the car say when it crashed? That's wheely unfortunate!
My dad always used to beat me, but he never beat cancer.
What's the difference between COVID and 9/11?
I've never heard of someone dying in a car accident, and the media blaming it on 9/11.
The reason Stephen Hawkings died is probably because he fell off his wheelchair, and he must've pressed shut down by accident.
What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken.
Two men walk into a bar, no clue how they didn't see it.
Two tomatoes are walking on a road. Then a car runs over one of them, and the other says: "Hi, ketchup!"
Today was the worst day ever. My ex got hit by a truck... On the plus side, my truck doesn't even have a dent.
Did you know that Princess Diana had dandruff?
They found her Head and Shoulders on the car dashboard.
Yo mama so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.