Accident jokes
What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken.
Why did the orphan cross the road?
Because they thought they saw their parents. (Plot twist: the orphan got ran over.)
My uncle got really badly burned the other day.
They don't fuck around at the crematorium.
My car fell in a ditch today. Didn't want any more cars falling, so I put a car-pet over it.
Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
Because he got hit by a truck.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe.
Europe who?
No, I'm not a poo, you're a poo.
Memes
Dad: Why did Jimmy fall off his bicycle?
Son: Why?
Dad: Because somebody threw a washing machine at him.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims, they went through 42 stories in 7 seconds.
Why did Susie fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Not Susie!"
Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie!
It squirted in my eye, God dammit!
I still remember my granddad's last words,
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
Did you see the blind guy trip on a can?
He didn't either.
What were Princess Diana's last words?
Have you been Dri...?
I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a campfire and shouted out "Hot Wheels!"
I pushed a disabled kid into a fire and roared, "Hot wheels!"
I would tell a joke about Kobe, but it wouldn’t really land well.
One day I was passing a blind man and I gave him a gun and told him it was a blow dryer.
Next day I went for another walk and saw his grave.
If the captain of the Titanic was dumb, he would eat the iceberg.
Her: I love Kobe Bryant!
Me: Helicopter Helicopter
Her:.....
Me: At least you don't say save the trees, cus damn Kobe is good.
Who crashed the plane?
1. Abu Faram? - terrorist
2. The little kid Joseph?
3. The passed out pilot?
Or Jamal?