Accident jokes
Who's the closest family member to Paul Walker?
Answer: The tree.
Why did the blind man get killed? Because he never saw it coming.
What do you take care of after a car crash?
The witnesses.
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
Dang, it got ketchup on my sleeve. What do I do?
Spread the love!
Well shit
I just found out that there is a racist stereotype about Asians being bad drivers, which isn't true... but if it is, then maybe Pearl Harbor was just an accident.
Stephen Hawking died because he got hit by a RAM.
Why did the chicken cross the road because he wanted to get run over and poop, and he died for 30 years until he was sent to Joe for getting run over, and he got killed by something, and then he died, and then he got it by you poop.
Me: *Calls friend* "Dude, I just fell off a 50-foot ladder!"
Friend: "Bro, you ok?!"
Me: "Yeah, lucky I only fell off the first step!"
My dog got stuck in my ass, help!
What does Kobe now have in common with his helicopter?
They both have torn rotators.
A robber robbed a bank and ran into the road and got hit by a car.
The cops said to him, "That's CARma for you!"
I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.
A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:
Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"
Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"
Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"
Why did little Susie fall off the swing?
Because she has no arms or legs.
Knock knock.
"Who's there?"
Not Susie.
Papyrus was playing with the human, but then Papyrus fell and he broke the cell bone of the human.
When you accidentally turn in your suicide note instead of your essay to the teacher, but she still gives you an A.
What happened to the woman who slipped in a seafood restaurant?
Um...I don't know what?
She slipped on a mussel!
My dad said not to touch this thingy called a gun, but I looked down that pole and pressed that thing, and now I'm in heaven.