Accident jokes
What is the best way to catch a baby from falling off the roof?
With a pitchfork.
So I was watching TV, right? Then I f***ing got banged in the eye with either a remote or metal tongs. "WTF?"
What do you call a toddler lying in the middle of the road? Speed bump.
Man: How tall is a penguin?
Bartender: About three foot, why?
Man: Oh shit, the Bible-bashing nuns! I fucking hit one!
Poor car.
What did they find in Paul Walker's glovebox?
His head and shoulders.
Memes
A married woman gets hit by a truck, and the cops tell her husband:
Cop: "Sir, it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
Man: "I know, but she has a great personality."
What does Diana stand for?
Died In A Nasty Accident.
Imagine if Joe Biden was elected for a second term.
He would be the first president to be assassinated by a slick bathtub.
What do you call a retard that got hit by a car? Mashed potatoes.
Billy: Dad, I was shot by a sniper!
Dad: Uh...
*hides his rifle*
Today was the worst day ever. My ex got hit by a truck... On the plus side, my truck doesn't even have a dent.
Why did your mom cross the road?
Why? She didn't, she got hit by a car.
What's the 9/11 survivors' least favorite team?
New York Jets.
What is white, then red, and is very fast?
My chainsaw blade.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of children.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings horses and all the kings men, said "Fuck him, he's only an egg."
What were the astronauts' last words before the shuttle blew up?
"What does this button do...?"
What has 4 limbs and can make a sidewalk red? Me falling from a 20 story building.
Were you bought on a highway? Because that's where most accidents happen.
What do you get if a disabled person falls off a building? Mashed potatoes.