Accident jokes
Why did the old man fall down a well?
He couldn't see that well.
My grandpa died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.
Man: How tall is a penguin?
Bartender: About three foot, why?
Man: Oh shit, the Bible-bashing nuns! I fucking hit one!
Poor car.
A married woman gets hit by a truck, and the cops tell her husband:
Cop: "Sir, it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
Man: "I know, but she has a great personality."
What does Diana stand for?
Died In A Nasty Accident.
Memes
Imagine if Joe Biden was elected for a second term.
He would be the first president to be assassinated by a slick bathtub.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings horses and all the kings men, said "Fuck him, he's only an egg."
What has 4 limbs and can make a sidewalk red? Me falling from a 20 story building.
What is white, then red, and is very fast?
My chainsaw blade.
What do you get if a disabled person falls off a building? Mashed potatoes.
Why did the child cross the road?
Because he didn’t wear a seatbelt.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of children.
Were you bought on a highway? Because that's where most accidents happen.
What were the astronauts' last words before the shuttle blew up?
"What does this button do...?"
Why did your mom cross the road?
Why? She didn't, she got hit by a car.
Billy: Dad, I was shot by a sniper!
Dad: Uh...
*hides his rifle*
My grandpa's last words before he died in Vietnam were, "What the fuck did I step on?"
I was walking down the streets with my parents and my sister. My mum said, "Step on a crack, break your mother's back." I stepped on a crack. My sister has been in the hospital ever since.
Today was the worst day ever. My ex got hit by a truck... On the plus side, my truck doesn't even have a dent.
So, my kid took my car. He crashed it off a bridge. I miss it, but it's going to have my car.