Accident jokes
So I was watching TV, right? Then I f***ing got banged in the eye with either a remote or metal tongs. "WTF?"
What do you call a toddler lying in the middle of the road? Speed bump.
What did they find in Paul Walker's glovebox?
His head and shoulders.
A married woman gets hit by a truck, and the cops tell her husband:
Cop: "Sir, it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
Man: "I know, but she has a great personality."
Q: Why did the baby cross the road?
A: It wasn't in its car seat.
Memes
Why did Princess Di cross the road?
Momentum.
I caught a cold, Mary Earp caught the ball, what did the towers catch? The plane.
What do you call a bald person on fire?
A fried egg.
Why did Little Johnny drop his ice cream?
Because he got hit by a bus.
Okay, so one time a deaf kid got into a car accident, but he didn't herd in on the news.
What were the astronauts' last words before the shuttle blew up?
"What does this button do...?"
I accidentally sucked my own ball sack.
What is white, then red, and is very fast?
My chainsaw blade.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings horses and all the kings men, said "Fuck him, he's only an egg."
Kobe's favorite song was "It's going down for real."
I was walking down the streets with my parents and my sister. My mum said, "Step on a crack, break your mother's back." I stepped on a crack. My sister has been in the hospital ever since.
Billy: Dad, I was shot by a sniper!
Dad: Uh...
*hides his rifle*
Today was the worst day ever. My ex got hit by a truck... On the plus side, my truck doesn't even have a dent.
Why did your mom cross the road?
Why? She didn't, she got hit by a car.
What's the 9/11 survivors' least favorite team?
New York Jets.