Accident jokes
Man: How tall is a penguin?
Bartender: About three foot, why?
Man: Oh shit, the Bible-bashing nuns! I fucking hit one!
Poor car.
Stephen Hawking tried to charge his phone and unplugged his life support.
Why did Gemma fall off her bike?
She got hit by a fridge.
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
What is the best way to catch a baby from falling off the roof?
With a pitchfork.
What do you call a toddler lying in the middle of the road? Speed bump.
So I was watching TV, right? Then I f***ing got banged in the eye with either a remote or metal tongs. "WTF?"
A married woman gets hit by a truck, and the cops tell her husband:
Cop: "Sir, it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
Man: "I know, but she has a great personality."
What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken.
What do you call a retard that got hit by a car? Mashed potatoes.
Imagine if Joe Biden was elected for a second term.
He would be the first president to be assassinated by a slick bathtub.
What has 4 limbs and can make a sidewalk red? Me falling from a 20 story building.
What do you get if a disabled person falls off a building? Mashed potatoes.
I accidentally sucked my own ball sack.
Were you bought on a highway? Because that's where most accidents happen.
What were the astronauts' last words before the shuttle blew up?
"What does this button do...?"
What's yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of children.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings horses and all the kings men, said "Fuck him, he's only an egg."
Why did the child cross the road?
Because he didn’t wear a seatbelt.
What is white, then red, and is very fast?
My chainsaw blade.