Accident jokes

I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.

What do you call plane crash victims?

Down to earth people.

So this one time I saw Sally trying to get up after she fell off the swing, and I helped her up and she said "Thank you," and I said, "You're welcome." The next day I saw her legs and someone said, "I would not do that," and I said, "Whatever." I tapped Sally, and the top halve fell. I said, "WHAT HAPPENED TO SALLY?" And someone said she went in a minefield.

What’s black, white, and red? A nun that fell down a 100 flight of stairs.

What’s black, white, and laughing? The nun that pushed her!

What does a school bus crash and a train crash have in common?

They always line up.

If Kobe missed a shot, his helicopter will too.

What do you get when someone named Victoria falls? A Victoria Falls!

What do you call a gay kid on fire?

Who's Paul Walker's close friend?

Tree.

If at first you don't succeed, oh well, so much for skydiving.

So this guy thought he was funny by pissing on the floor and not in the urinal.

Later on, I guess some kid ran into the bathroom because, well, he probably had to go, but yeah, he slipped and fell and hit his head on the urinal, so all in all it was a pretty good prank on his part.

I just went on a date with a woman in a wheelchair.

I stood her up, which made her fall for me. At first it was a drag, but now we’re rolling.

Q: What’s yellow and can’t swim?

A: A bus full of children.

Why are the 9/11 survivors the fastest readers in the world? Because they went down 109 stories in 10 seconds.

There was a kid at school. He was reading a book and he came across a phrase. It was "purple pation." He went to his teacher and asked what it meant. His teacher said, "What the actual hell? Get the hell out of my class and go to the principal's office!" The principal said, "It's okay, it was probably a mistake. I will clean this all up. In the meantime, what's the phrase?" He says, "Purple pation." His principal stares at him for about 3 seconds, then says, "Get the hell out of my school. You are expelled!" He ran 7 miles to his dad's office crying all the way. He went to his dad and explained how his teacher kicked him out of the class and the principal expelled him. His dad said, "Calm down, I will clean this all up," and he said, "That's what the principal said. He said, 'I will clean it up'." He said, "OK, the phrase is 'purple pation'." His dad said, "I hate you, get out of my office. I don't want to see you again." He ran down crying to his house. He explained what happened. His mom said the same thing as everyone else, so he explains the phrase. His mom kicks him out of the house, and he ran down to the park crying. An old lady said, "What's wrong?" He explained what's happening. Then she says, "Well, what's the phrase?" He says, "Purple pation." The old lady said, "See that house across the street? That's my house. Come over in about 30 min and I will explain." He says, "Thank you." It was the longest 30 min of his life. He sprints across the street and gets hit by a bus.

Sorry guys ;)

One day I was passing a blind man and I gave him a gun and told him it was a blow dryer.

Next day I went for another walk and saw his grave.

My heart broke as I went down the stairs, and my girlfriend broke her heart.

My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"

Why did the girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms or legs.

"Russian" twists into a ditch, dead!