Accident jokes
Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
A hired gun gets on a private plane to his next contract. Halfway through the trip, he notices the plane rapidly losing altitude. So he opens that back of the plane and starts tossing out everything he doesn't need: grenades, guns, ammo—unless it was bolted down, it went out. He stopped throwing things out when the plane started to regain altitude.
When the plane lands, he sees some kids giggling on the side of the road. "What's so funny?" he asks.
"Daddy farted and the house blew up," said a singed little boy.
What's the difference between a plane and a woman?
At least the plane doesn't give you herpes when it crashes at your place.
Why couldn’t Billy go to school today?
The bus driver hit Sally.
"Jack and Jill went home because he was sick because of the virus in town, gave him a frown, and his arms were pricked."
What's yellow all over and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.
What's worse than 10 babies in a truck?
One baby in 10 trucks.
I got hit by a bus.
But the bus was my ex.
Where did Joe go after getting lost on the mine field?
Everywhere.
What's black and white, black and white, black and white...?
A dead nun rolling down a hill.
Fatty and Skinny sitting in a bed.
Fatty rolled over, and Skinny was dead.
I could never forget my grandfather's last words. "Stop shaking the ladd-"
What's yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.
A little boy and a little girl were taking a bath.
The little girl looked down and said, "What's that?"
"That's my little red sports car," said the little boy.
The little boy looked down and said, "What's that?"
"That's my little red sports car garage," said the little girl.
A few seconds later, the little girl said, "How about you put your little red sports car in my little red sports car garage?"
"Sure," said the little boy.
The little boy's mother was downstairs and heard this blood curdling scream. She ran upstairs. Once she got there, she saw blood all over the bathtub. "What happened?!" she said.
"Well, Johnny tried to put his little red sports car in my little red sports car garage...but it didn't fit...so I cut the back wheels off..."
There was a man in a wheelchair, and he got knocked out in front of a bus. He had a wheelie good life!
What did they find in Paul Walker's glovebox?
His head and shoulders.
Man: How tall is a penguin?
Bartender: About three foot, why?
Man: Oh shit, the Bible-bashing nuns! I fucking hit one!
Poor car.
What is the best way to catch a baby from falling off the roof?
With a pitchfork.
Why did Gemma fall off her bike?
She got hit by a fridge.
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.