Accident jokes
Why do an emo's parents not let them cook, because they are afraid they will cut themselves?
My friend just got hit by a car and is now in a wheelchair. He is getting bullied, but I don’t understand why he just can’t stand up for himself.
Luisa: The ship doesn't swerve, as it heard how big the iceberg is.
Captain of the Titanic: Wait, what did you say?
3 minutes later:
Why didn't I listen to the strong one?
Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.
What's the 9/11 survivors' least favorite team?
New York Jets.
Memes
Why did Suzie fall off the swing? She had no arms.
Billy: Dad, I was shot by a sniper!
Dad: Uh...
*hides his rifle*
I was walking down the streets with my parents and my sister. My mum said, "Step on a crack, break your mother's back." I stepped on a crack. My sister has been in the hospital ever since.
Today was the worst day ever. My ex got hit by a truck... On the plus side, my truck doesn't even have a dent.
Why did your mom cross the road?
Why? She didn't, she got hit by a car.
So, my kid took my car. He crashed it off a bridge. I miss it, but it's going to have my car.
Kobe's favorite song was "It's going down for real."
Why did the planes crash into the Twin Towers?
Because the cleaner left the landing lights on!
What a day yesterday was! I got a promotion, and my sister's killer was hit by a bus. Now I'm in a cast!
My grandpa's last words before he died in Vietnam were, "What the fuck did I step on?"
Okay, so one time a deaf kid got into a car accident, but he didn't herd in on the news.
I accidentally sucked my own ball sack.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings horses and all the kings men, said "Fuck him, he's only an egg."
What were the astronauts' last words before the shuttle blew up?
"What does this button do...?"
What is white, then red, and is very fast?
My chainsaw blade.