Accident jokes
There was this boy. He had diarrhea, and he kept asking to go to the bathroom, but the teacher said no. Next thing you know, he pooped himself in front of the class.
What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.
What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."
What's got 6 legs, 3 arms, and 3 heads?
The finish line at the Boston marathon.
I was trying to hang the lights when I accidentally kicked the chair.
"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Because she had no arms."
"Why couldn’t she get up off the ground?" "Because she had no friends."
"Knock knock." "Who’s there?" "Not Susie, she’s still on the ground."
"Where did Susie go when the bomb went off?" "Everywhere."
"Why couldn’t Susie scratch her leg?" "Because it was in a different body bag."
"Why did Susie drop her ice cream?" "She was hit by a bus."
"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Someone threw a refrigerator at her."
Bro looks like his mom dropped him when he was a new born
What's Kobe's favorite song?
"Helicopter Helicopter"
Why can't Helen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman? No, seriously, why can't she drive? Because she's dead.
Yo mama is so clumsy, when she had her first kickboxing lesson, she kicked herself in the testicles.
What does the Titanic sell most?
Icebreakers.
Two friends are talking and one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The friend says, "I was in my car."
What do you get when you have a class of kids and a speeding car?
A 24 killstreak!
A girl and a boy were on a date. The boy kept farting. The girl asked, "What is wrong?!?". The boy replied, "Explosive diarrhea.". The girl said, "Ew".
The boy went to the bathroom, and the place exploded. The center of the explosion, the bathroom.
you.
My blind son got hit by a car when he was riding his new bike. He should have been paying attention.
Why'd Sally drop her ice cream?
She was hit by a bus.
What do you say to a person who got his whole left side cut off? "Are you all right?!"
Why did Bob fall off the swing while playing? Because he had no arms.
Knock, knock. Who's there?
Not Bob.
A Scouser at ground zero just after the twin towers fell asks a passer-by, "What time is it, mate?"
An American replies, "That's a mad accent, where are you from?"
The Scouser says, "Liverpool."
The American says, "Oh, what state is that in?"
The Scouser looks around and says, "About the same state as this, mate, but what time is it?"
I accidentally bumped into a midget yesterday.
Me: "Are you ok sir?"
Midget: "Well, I'm not happy."
Me: "Well, which one are ya?"
They asked JFK Jr. if he wanted to shower before his flight. He said, "No, I'll just wash up on shore!"