Accident jokes

Did you hear about the guy who got his entire left side cut off? Well, he's dead.

Give Kobe a plane ticket, he'll fly for the trip, but give Kobe a helicopter and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

I'M GOING TO HELL FOR THIS!!!

Fletcher is not a lesbian. He is also not an Asian. He is also definitely not an accident.

Why did the plane crash?

Because it was being flown by a loaf of bread.

A man says, "I'm flying!" He realizes he was pushed out of a plane.

What's big and yellow and can't swim? A bus filled with children.

A man in a wheelchair and his friend were walking down the street.

Man in Wheelchair: *falls out of wheelchair*

Friend: Are you okay?

Man in Wheelchair: I can't feel my legs!

Little Johnny walks in on his mom taking a shower and slips and falls under her, and he says, "What's that, Mama?" She says, "That's just an old bear." He says, "He's a mean bear." She says, "Why's that?" He says, "He's got blood in on eye and shit in the other."

What's worse than throwing a baby off a cliff?

Catching it with a pitchfork.

Did you know that the Royal family like carnivals?

Princess Diana was really fond of bumper cars.

"I created the Human Torch."

1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.

2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.

3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.

4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.

5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.

7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.

8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.

9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.

10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause that’s where most accidents happen?

11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.

12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.

What's white and black and red all over? A nun that fell down stairs.

Why did Sally fall out the window?

She was pushed.

Once upon a time... Chuck Norris stepped on a Lego. R.I.P. the Lego piece.

A blonde walks into a bar.

Ouch.

When a woman decides to abort, it is called a decision, but when I run my truck into a playground of kids, it is called murder.

Two kids walked into a bar. They were covered with blood. The bartender asked what happened.

The youngest said, "Well, we were trying to paint our basement, but we threw the babies too hard!"

Twinkle, twinkle, there’s a car Coming like a shooting star.

I will stand in the way. I will not be seen again. Are you happy I am dead? Now you made it to the end.

When you go to a baseball game and they say, "Heads up!" and you put your head up, and the ball hits you in the head.