Accident jokes
What is the best way to catch a baby from falling off the roof?
With a pitchfork.
What do you call a toddler lying in the middle of the road? Speed bump.
Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What do gum and guns have in common?
When you pull one out, everyone wants to be your friend all of a sudden.
My heart broke as I went down the stairs, and my girlfriend broke her heart.
I was camping with my buddy, and there was a fire. We were roasting marshmallows, and there was a vine. I tripped on it and went penis first into the fire, and I said, "Well, there goes your children, stupid ass!"
Why did the man fall off his bike?
Because someone threw a refrigerator at him.
I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a campfire and shouted out "Hot Wheels!"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get hit by a bus.
Why are the 9/11 survivors the fastest readers in the world? Because they went down 109 stories in 10 seconds.
Imagine you go to school, right? You hit the curve, the bus driver be like, "Ahhh, how do I stop the bus?" Students from the bus jump from the windows. One of the students: "That's a YOU problem."
I remember my son's last words: "I stubbed my toe!"
I was hit by a car. Later, my ex lost her bus job.
Have any of you guys heard the classic airplane jokes? Here's a good example...
A farmer, a doctor, and a terrorist are on a plane. An engine fails, and they are going to crash, so the pilot asks everyone to throw out some items. The farmer threw out his apple harvest, the doctor threw out medical supplies, and the terrorist, (not needing a bomb apparently) threw out his briefcase of bombs. They still crashed, and they started walking to the nearest town. They passed a boy who was running. "Why are you running?"
"My dad got hit by a shiny red object and now he's bleeding!"
They three of them decide it's best to keep quiet, and continue. They then passed a crying girl, who said that her brother had been killed by a scalpel from heaven. They said nothing and continued. Finally, they see a boy laughing so much he is in tears. They ask him, "What's so funny?"
"Grandma farted and the house blew up!"
So this guy thought he was funny by pissing on the floor and not in the urinal.
Later on, I guess some kid ran into the bathroom because, well, he probably had to go, but yeah, he slipped and fell and hit his head on the urinal, so all in all it was a pretty good prank on his part.
What did the horse say after it tripped?
Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!
Did you know that Princess Diana had dandruff?
They found her Head and Shoulders on the car dashboard.
My friend fell on the Nile river and Egypt last week.
He swears by it, but he’s in denial.
Today sucked. My friend fell off a cliff, and I went to jail.
Why did Shelley fall off the swing? She had no arms.