Accident jokes

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.

When the speedbump in a school zone screams, so you go faster.

My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"

This boy in my high school choir class had a decently big forehead, so I leaned in and said, "You know, if you painted an H on your forehead, maybe Kobe would've landed."

Why did the boy get run over?

Sally was driving.

Racecar backwards is racecar, but racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died.

A boy breaks a vase, and his mom says it's ok, honey, mistakes happen. How do you think you were born?

Lil Timmy and Lil Susie are taking a bath together. Lil Susie looks down and says, "Hey, what's that?" Lil Timmy looks down and says, "Oh, that, that's only my little red race car." They continue on with their bath.

Then Lil Timmy looks down and says, "Hey, what's that?" Lil Susie looks down and says, "Oh, that, that's only my little red race car garage." They continue with their bath. Then Lil Susie says, "Hey, what if we try to put your little red race car in my little red race car garage?"

The parents downstairs then hear a bloody scream. They rush upstairs and then say, "What's wrong?" Lil Susie says, "Well, Lil Timmy tried to put his little red race car in my little red race car garage but the back wheels wouldn't fit, so we cut them off."

Q. What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A. A seatbelt.

I crashed into those motherfuckers! 😂😂😂

If you turn the word "racecar" backwards, it says "racecar".

But if you turn the racecar sideways, you have Paul Walker's blood on your hands.

What is the difference between a plane and a helicopter?

A plane hits a building, but a helicopter hits the floor.

When you run over a speed bump in a school zone and you remember that there are no speed bumps.

What's the difference between Princess Diana and Thomas the Tank Engine?

Thomas came out the other end of the tunnel.

So why don’t blind people go sky diving? It scares the hell out of their seeing eye dog.

When does a blind person know when he’s about to hit the ground? The leash goes slack.

Never take a person canoeing or kayaking if they had a cerebrovascular accident.

They’ll hear the one word they hate the most: “STROKE, STROKE, STROKE!”

billie: hi.

me: You wanna hear a story?

billie: Yes, sure.

me: Once upon a time, I ran over your dog last night.

When your mom tries to hit you with the belt but misses and hits herself... #victoryroyale

What did the fish say before he hit the wall? -- "Oh, dam."

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.