Accident jokes
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.
Why did the boy get run over?
Sally was driving.
My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"
Q. What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?
A. A seatbelt.
A missile hit a hospital earlier this morning. Fortunately, no one was injured - but 100 were killed.
Racecar backwards is racecar, but racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died.
This boy in my high school choir class had a decently big forehead, so I leaned in and said, "You know, if you painted an H on your forehead, maybe Kobe would've landed."
If you turn the word "racecar" backwards, it says "racecar".
But if you turn the racecar sideways, you have Paul Walker's blood on your hands.
What's the difference between Princess Diana and Thomas the Tank Engine?
Thomas came out the other end of the tunnel.
A boy breaks a vase, and his mom says it's ok, honey, mistakes happen. How do you think you were born?
I crashed into those motherfuckers! 😂😂😂
Why couldn't Sally write with the pen? (Friend: Idk, why?) Because she had no arms.
Why couldn't Sally play Tennis? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) Yes, she had no arms.
Why did Sally fall off the swing? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) No, Joe pushed her.
Why couldn't Sally pick up the box? (Friend: *Some weird guess*) Because she had no arms.
Why did Sally drop her ice cream? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) Because she got hit by a bus.
Knock Knock. (Friend: Who's there?) Not Sally.
What is the difference between a plane and a helicopter?
A plane hits a building, but a helicopter hits the floor.
When you run over a speed bump in a school zone and you remember that there are no speed bumps.
So why don’t blind people go sky diving? It scares the hell out of their seeing eye dog.
When does a blind person know when he’s about to hit the ground? The leash goes slack.
When your mom tries to hit you with the belt but misses and hits herself... #victoryroyale
Kurt Cobain didn't mean to kill himself. He was just so high he thought the shotgun was a bong.
His lyrics are so ironic but so true. "I'm not coming back". "I swear I don't have a gun."
Never take a person canoeing or kayaking if they had a cerebrovascular accident.
They’ll hear the one word they hate the most: “STROKE, STROKE, STROKE!”
My aunt used to say, "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.
billie: hi.
me: You wanna hear a story?
billie: Yes, sure.
me: Once upon a time, I ran over your dog last night.