Accident

Accident jokes

Vampire

A vampire goes to the bakery.

Vampire: "One bun, please."

Baker: "But you're a vampire, don't you need blood?"

Vampire: "Yes, there is an accident outside and I need something to dip."

Death

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.

Suicide

So, I’m not sure if it’s a joke, but I thought it was funny. So imagine you try to die by shooting yourself, but you sneeze and pull the trigger... I don't know about you, but I would’ve been mad. Because wtf, I wasn’t readyyyy!

Pregnant woman

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.

What's a similarity between a broken lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

They're both accidents.

  • 2
  • Memes

    Sole

    Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory?

    Many soles were lost.

    Stereotype

    I just found out that there is a racist stereotype about Asians being bad drivers, which isn't true... but if it is, then maybe Pearl Harbor was just an accident.

    Dad

    My dad posted a picture of his condom challenge fail to his social media - it was a picture of me.

    Choice

    How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby it's a "choice"? But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children it's called "murder."

    Chernobyl

    I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.

  • 5
  • Lightning

    My grandad was shocked to learn that lightning can strike in the same place twice.

    Mistake

    Guy spills milk on me. I say, "It's okay, we all make mistakes sometimes, but apparently your mom made a big one."

  • 5
  • Bar

    Two men walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would've seen it.

    Chicken

    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    It didn't, I hit it with my car 3 blocks down.

    Pen

    Why couldn't Sally write with the pen? (Friend: Idk, why?) Because she had no arms.

    Why couldn't Sally play Tennis? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) Yes, she had no arms.

    Why did Sally fall off the swing? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) No, Joe pushed her.

    Why couldn't Sally pick up the box? (Friend: *Some weird guess*) Because she had no arms.

    Why did Sally drop her ice cream? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) Because she got hit by a bus.

    Knock Knock. (Friend: Who's there?) Not Sally.