What do you need in order to crash a train?
A bad track record.
Accident Jokes
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.
So, I’m not sure if it’s a joke, but I thought it was funny. So imagine you try to die by shooting yourself, but you sneeze and pull the trigger... I don't know about you, but I would’ve been mad. Because wtf, I wasn’t readyyyy!
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.
What's a similarity between a broken lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
They're both accidents.
What did Jenny get for her birthday after a car accident?
An amputation.
Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory?
Many soles were lost.
I just found out that there is a racist stereotype about Asians being bad drivers, which isn't true... but if it is, then maybe Pearl Harbor was just an accident.
A vampire goes to the bakery.
Vampire: "One bun, please."
Baker: "But you're a vampire, don't you need blood?"
Vampire: "Yes, there is an accident outside and I need something to dip."
I ran over three disabled kids.
"Cripple kill."
I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.
How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby it's a "choice"? But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children it's called "murder."
My grandad was shocked to learn that lightning can strike in the same place twice.
A skeleton goes sky diving. Doesn't come back in one piece.
Guy spills milk on me. I say, "It's okay, we all make mistakes sometimes, but apparently your mom made a big one."
What caused Captain Hook's death?
He accidentally used the wrong hand to wipe his ass.
Two men walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would've seen it.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It didn't, I hit it with my car 3 blocks down.
My dad posted a picture of his condom challenge fail to his social media - it was a picture of me.
What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
A Doberman in a playground.
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.
