Accident jokes
What is burned dark and glued to the wall?
A bad electrician.
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.
A vampire goes to the bakery.
Vampire: "One bun, please."
Baker: "But you're a vampire, don't you need blood?"
Vampire: "Yes, there is an accident outside and I need something to dip."
What do you need in order to crash a train?
A bad track record.
So, I’m not sure if it’s a joke, but I thought it was funny. So imagine you try to die by shooting yourself, but you sneeze and pull the trigger... I don't know about you, but I would’ve been mad. Because wtf, I wasn’t readyyyy!
Yaaaass
Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory?
Many soles were lost.
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.
What's a similarity between a broken lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
They're both accidents.
What did Jenny get for her birthday after a car accident?
An amputation.
A skeleton goes sky diving. Doesn't come back in one piece.
My dad posted a picture of his condom challenge fail to his social media - it was a picture of me.
When the speedbump in a school zone screams, so you go faster.
My grandad was shocked to learn that lightning can strike in the same place twice.
Guy spills milk on me. I say, "It's okay, we all make mistakes sometimes, but apparently your mom made a big one."
Two men walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would've seen it.
What caused Captain Hook's death?
He accidentally used the wrong hand to wipe his ass.
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It didn't, I hit it with my car 3 blocks down.
Q. What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?
A. A seatbelt.
I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.
How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby it's a "choice"? But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children it's called "murder."