Accident jokes

pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die.

passengers: *start freaking out*

pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when.

passengers: *sigh with relief*

pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain.

A vampire goes to the bakery.

Vampire: "One bun, please."

Baker: "But you're a vampire, don't you need blood?"

Vampire: "Yes, there is an accident outside and I need something to dip."

What do you need in order to crash a train?

A bad track record.

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.

So, I’m not sure if it’s a joke, but I thought it was funny. So imagine you try to die by shooting yourself, but you sneeze and pull the trigger... I don't know about you, but I would’ve been mad. Because wtf, I wasn’t readyyyy!

I just found out that there is a racist stereotype about Asians being bad drivers, which isn't true... but if it is, then maybe Pearl Harbor was just an accident.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.

What's a similarity between a broken lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

They're both accidents.

What did Jenny get for her birthday after a car accident?

An amputation.

Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory?

Many soles were lost.

My dad posted a picture of his condom challenge fail to his social media - it was a picture of me.

My grandad was shocked to learn that lightning can strike in the same place twice.

When the speedbump in a school zone screams, so you go faster.

A skeleton goes sky diving. Doesn't come back in one piece.

Guy spills milk on me. I say, "It's okay, we all make mistakes sometimes, but apparently your mom made a big one."

How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby it's a "choice"? But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children it's called "murder."

What caused Captain Hook's death?

He accidentally used the wrong hand to wipe his ass.

Two men walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would've seen it.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

It didn't, I hit it with my car 3 blocks down.

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.

What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A Doberman in a playground.