What do you need in order to crash a train?
A bad track record.
So, I’m not sure if it’s a joke, but I thought it was funny. So imagine you try to die by shooting yourself, but you sneeze and pull the trigger... I don't know about you, but I would’ve been mad. Because wtf, I wasn’t readyyyy!
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.
What's a similarity between a broken lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
They're both accidents.
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.
What did Jenny get for her birthday after a car accident?
An amputation.
Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory?
Many soles were lost.
A vampire goes to the bakery.
Vampire: "One bun, please."
Baker: "But you're a vampire, don't you need blood?"
Vampire: "Yes, there is an accident outside and I need something to dip."
I ran over three disabled kids.
"Cripple kill."
I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.
How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby it's a "choice"? But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children it's called "murder."
A skeleton goes sky diving. Doesn't come back in one piece.
My grandad was shocked to learn that lightning can strike in the same place twice.
I just found out that there is a racist stereotype about Asians being bad drivers, which isn't true... but if it is, then maybe Pearl Harbor was just an accident.
Guy spills milk on me. I say, "It's okay, we all make mistakes sometimes, but apparently your mom made a big one."
Two men walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would've seen it.
What caused Captain Hook's death?
He accidentally used the wrong hand to wipe his ass.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It didn't, I hit it with my car 3 blocks down.
My dad posted a picture of his condom challenge fail to his social media - it was a picture of me.
What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
A Doberman in a playground.
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.
